The Single Life of a Tony
by Dr Anthony D. Cliffe
So I’ve been single for quite a while now, and while that doesn’t bother me, I do find it funny the way everyone lately says I’m too picky or I need a girlfriend. I think doing Sudoku on a Friday night has tipped a few over the edge. So let us take a look at how I feel being single right now.
- First of all, I’m mostly single because I simply haven’t been looking. After my last break up, I threw myself into my education and then my career. All of that was done without the support of a girlfriend, and now I’m financially much better off than I would have been if I was in a relationship.
- Because as far as experience goes, girlfriends cost money.
- Being single for a while really does make you question what’s wrong with yourself and why no women have asked you out yet. Then you sit down and actually think about it and realise the list is actually quite long. Yet, there is still that inner confidence and hope that one day she’ll come along.
- You look like a roman coin, your hair is the same texture as a carpet, your thighs due to cycling are bigger than trees, you possess a pair of moobs, you can’t see shit without your glasses, you’re awkward, yet you still think you’re goddam sexy…smart is sexy girls.
- Oh, it’s your 2 month anniversary? Oh, you have someone who loves you? Oh, it’s a cute couple holiday photo, oh you’re engaged on Facebook…Nah I’m not jealous…Hahaha…hahah…hah…ha…sniffle…sobs…but seriously you should only celebrate yearly anniversaries. Two months!? I spend longer having a shit in the morning.
- Eventually, someone comes along who does take a chance on you. They’re really hot, and you’d definitely never expect them to take an interest in you. So you instantly think it’s a trap or some sick twisted game. Cupid! He’s turned into Jigsaw! He’s testing me! So you take it very cautiously.
- You get chatting, and it’s going really well, but you’re so out of the game when it comes to flirting. “You’re really hot!” …”Geez, I know! It’s 25c out there today!” …”FFS Tony. That’s not what I meant.” …”Oh…but I am hot due to the weather though…”
- This chick wants the D…
- Her answer…
- Which is probably a good thing. I’ve been single for so long and haven’t had sex in so long that even the slightest touch…
- You think it’s going well and then you realise you have very little in common. So much promise fizzles out.
- But that’s okay because just when you think being single sucks, you see a break up on Facebook and your friend is getting back with their ex for the billionth time!
- Family parties are the worst. Especially when everyone, like your cousins, are all partnered up, and you’re just like…
- They tell you that you’re just too picky. Yeah because I have soooo many to choose from right?
- But then they instil confidence in you and tell you, you’d be a great boyfriend to some lucky girl. Damn right!
- You find a girl that you like, you become friends, but you enter the friend zone and trying to get out of the friendzone is like…
- While other guys are hitting the gym to look as buff as possible, I’m just eating. I eat a lot. There is nothing wrong with eating a lot! I like to eat. Surely a girl would prefer a soft pillow than a rock hard abs. At least that’s what I’ll keep telling myself.
- So you finally find a girl to take you out of the island of single isolation.
- It happens in the movies, so it must happen in real life, right?
- You felt self-confident before, but now someone is attracted to you and actually loves you. What did your ex say “You’ll never find anyone as good as me?”
- But they have to meet the family first. Will they pass the interrogation?
- They do! You finally have a girlfriend! Your parents might finally get that Grandchild, it might actually stop the suspicion that you might be gay, hell might actually have frozen over. Your family and friends can’t believe it. PARTY TIME!