love | The Day in the life of Tony Cliffe

December 31, 2019

2010-2019 the decade of change and achievement

2019…The end of a terrific year but also the end of what has been quite the decade! Looking back on the past decade it’s actually been quite the whirlwind. If my 2010 self was to read what I was to do and become in the next nine years, I don’t quite think he’d believe it. I’ve been on a journey of transformation, I’m a million miles away from that jaded and lost boy in 2010. 2010 me was I feel looking back, an outsider who never really fitted in. Present but vacant, slightly out of sync with everyone else. Someone who knew what they wanted to be but was not in a place where they could be that. I started the decade, lost.

Some Happier 2010 times!

Some Happier 2010 times!

Some Happier 2010 times!

Its been well documented those who have followed me on this journey from day one about my disdain for sixth form and what went on in a particular classroom. This blog, while a million miles away from those early days of blog writing as a release and as a weapon, has its roots from the immaturity of sixth form. My passion for writing blogs was born out of that shitshow. There were many gems from Maricourt but there was a toxic group that I could not wait to leave behind.

Life was better at Uni!

My life got significantly better when at the start of the decade I went to University. I had felt like I was hemmed in, in school. Learn hard, put the effort in, get the grades, get out. That’s what school was to me. One of my standout moments of this decade was and will always be that first-year residential field trip to Slapton in Feb of 2011. This decade I’ve had a few vital and pivotal moments where if I had chosen the other side of the coin, the other decision, life would be vastly different today. The first of that, was that February night on a cold, windswept Slapton beach. I still remember it vividly, the fresh sea breeze that tickled your face, the gentle and rhythmic pulse of the distant lighthouse casting a beam of light across the sand. Looking up and taking in a deep breath of air, exhaling and watching it disappear into the most unbelievably clear sky I had ever seen. It felt like the entire universe was out that night, the bluest of blue stars twinkled above like diamonds.

Before that night, I was ready to quit University. I had made up my mind, it wasn’t for me. I wasn’t challenged enough, I was constantly ill, I hated the commute. I was all but done. This first-year field trip was in my mind, a swansong. It just turned out to my surprise to be the start of an epic journey in academia. That night as we pulled up some driftwood and sat on large boulders, laughing and sharing stories into the night. I suddenly realised that with this group of people, we were all broken in some way and for the first time in my life, that wasn’t an issue. For the first time in such a long time, I had people around me who actually didn’t care about who you are or where in high school. They all had flaws as did I, and they didn’t care. They were human. I formed friendships that night that have lasted the sands of time. That field trip changed everything. I fell back in love with Geography because of that field trip, I realised that I could be who I wanted to be here, with these people.

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Sitting here now having completed a BSc, an MSc and recently a PhD, it seems crazy to me that I was so close to giving up all of that if it wasn’t for that goddamn beach and the chats that night. Not to forget Susan (you had to be there).

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Undergraduate years of 2010-2013 was a period of some crazy emotions. Once I committed to academic life, I found a place I could call home. I found something I was good at and oh boy it was one hell of a good time! Every day in Uni was a laugh with my Uni pals, Anthony, Alex, Mary, Hannah, Chloe, Stacey. The latter, well we all know how that particular episode of the decade turned out. I had fallen in love. I let my walls down 100% again for someone for the first time in a few years and for those two years it was awe-inspiring, it was beautiful and it was terrifying all at the same time. As time has passed and the wounds have healed, I can look back on those times with a real warm glow. Now longer jaded by heartache and bitterness. I owe her a lot for building the foundations of the person I am today. There are a lot of aspects of me today that define me that were unlocked by her. For one small example, cooking. I couldn’t cook beans on toast before I met her and would never venture outside of any dish that wasn’t made in the British isles! Yet with an Italian passion for food, that was unlocked in me. Food and cooking is a huge part of who I am now. I love to cook and I’m always cooking food for family and friends and dishes from all over the world!

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Then in 2013, as I was feeling on top of the world…it all came crashing down. The rug was whipped from under my feet. The breakup hit me out of the blue and knocked me for six for years! 2013-14 was brutal. I was depressed, everything was a struggle. Looking back now, I see why I struggled so much with it. As a very guarded person, I felt like I was betrayed when I let all of my walls down, the real emotional me was vulnerable and to then have that heart stood on in the fashion that she did was tough. Did it help that she got with the guy she was ‘just friends with at the party’ that I didn’t go to, two weeks after she broke it up out of the blue? No. No, it didn’t. Did it also help my recovery that we shared every class together and friendship group for that final year? No, that didn’t help either.

Happier times in 2013

Truth be told though I was seething, I was angry, I was hurt. But actually, I was mad at myself. I am an achiever. It’s what I do, I set a goal and I will achieve it. I have a long list of honours, accolades and achievements. Yet, one had always evaded me. I would trade in all of my awards to just be loved by someone, to grow old with them and to have my own family. When she ended it, to me, it was a colossal failure on my part. It’s something that I did or didn’t do, it was my fault in some way is how I perceived it. I had a taste of that ultimate goal for it to no longer exist. It was tough.

2013 was by far the most challenging year of the decade for me. A week after I was hit by that out of the blue break up, I was informed that my eyes where 0.5 outside of the limit for becoming an Air Traffic Controller. A dream job that I had worked towards ever since I was little. My choices in school and even degree level were all geared up towards becoming an Air Traffic Controller. It’s all I ever wanted to do. In the space of 7 days, I had lost two dreams, out of the blue. I was once again, lost.

From 2010 to the start of 2013, I had discovered for the most part who I was as a person. I grew very self-assured of myself. 2013 knocked me right back to 2010. I didn’t know me anymore. I had spent years having such confidence in myself to looking in the mirror and not even recognising who I was. Every day was an effort. Academia became a lifeline again, amongst all of this dissertations had begun. The only way out of this hole I thought was to put everything into that dissertation. One last hurrah. Do well in this, get a good degree, build myself back up again, reinvent me again. I used all those emotions of anger and hurt and turned them into productivity. Which worked. I aced that dissertation and in the process fell in love with research. I was selected to go and present it at the biggest undergraduate conference in Plymouth. Backed by my supervisor and my friends, I didn’t think I was worthy but they believed. They pushed me to do it. From the back of that, I was selected to present that research in Parliament and came in the top 20 UK undergraduate researchers of the year. Not bad work for when I was at my lowest. That was the slow road to recovery.

Final year was a slog, but I finished with a 2:1. The goal was done. I had never felt prouder than that first graduation day, looking back at the certificate. It didn’t to me denote a degree, whenever I think back to my BSc days, it indicates all those made changes in my life, the soaring highs and greatest of lows. To me, it reminds me that I’m glad that I have that no matter how shit I feel, I have that inner stubbornness that just will never, ever, give up. No matter how much the odds are stacked against me. You pick yourself up, you keep working hard, you never give up.

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2014 and 15 were all about my Masters Things they never tell you about when starting a Masters Degree. Because I was still recovering from 2013 I don’t think at the time I really appreciated those years for what they were. A period of reflection, rebuilding, rebranding, regrowing. By the time our first residential to the desert in October came around, I saw the MSc as a new start. That summer I had clarity, I had dealt with a lot of stuff, I for the first time actually accepted me for me. I now knew what I wanted out of life and one of those things was to collect degrees. I loved research, I wanted to become a researcher. I wanted to help people in a way that I knew I could, via research. The MSc was academically very challenging but I adored that challenge. Being pushed every day intellectually was fun! It was such a great topic to study and my fellow classmates where legends. I feel really bad that we all never really stayed in touch but they were so perfect for that part of my life. I am grateful for every single one of them. That desert field trip without a doubt is the funniest field trip I have ever been on. God, I loved that course!2014…a year of rebuilding and success!

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2015 came another of those giant what-if moments, those crossroad decisions, a flip of a coin, a fork in the road of life. I’d finished my Masters, I’m now healed, I’m back to myself, I have the whole world ahead of me. Then the two jobs come at once. 29k 3 year contract in Nottingham with a global consultancy firm, or a 16k part-time tempory one year job as a research assistant. I was utterly torn between the logically me and the emotional me. Head and my Dad, wherein the consultancy job. No question. Financial security, job security, job progression, independence, moving out, new city. Yet, my heart wasn’t in it. I had fallen in love from Undergrad with research, but it was a lot of work, it didn’t pay well and there was no guarantee it would last longer than a year. I was conflicted, my parents were conflicted. Take the Nottingham job and I would be leaving home, I’d be leaving Liverpool, my life and I’d be on a career path in environmental consultancy.

On the other hand, take the RA job, stay at home but do something I was madly passionate about and really enjoyed but for pretty crap pay.

Then that talk at the river happened. Both of us, me and Chloe at a crossroads in life, both with massive decisions to make. Chloe, I have no doubt is my guardian angel. At the beach in Slapton, there during the hard times, there again at the river now a big life decision was to be made. My confidant, my guiding light, my soundboard. I summed Chloe up and the rest of my close friends up so well in this blog here:My dedication to the inner circle! After hours for the first time in a while, I had clarity over that decision. My mind was made up all because of her, I made the decision. I declined the consultancy job and for the first time ever the logical me went with my heart. I took the RA job. I turned onto the path of academia which has led me to where I am today.

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2015-2016 where the RA years (My 2016, a cracking year! ) (My Facebook status’ of the year and what a story it tells of 2015.) An incredibly rewarding, stressful, intense training I could ever receive being an RA in the department. I thought my development rate was staggering from BSc to MSc, but as an RA, I developed more in those years there than I had all the other years combined. I adored that job, as much as it was mental! It cemented to me that this is what I wanted to do as a career now. The research was home, I had found not where I expected to be but clearly where I was meant to be. I worked on a vast amount of projects, learnt so much and got to work with the most incredibly supportive colleagues a young RA could ever ask for! I was pushed to my limits and beyond in that job. It only became apparent when I started my PhD how much training I had unknowingly been through as the departments RA. I was a seasoned researcher soldier by the time the PhD wars came. I felt like a general when I walked into PhD life. To this day, those intense years where the best in terms of training for research and my career and it put me in a great position.

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Here we go again, three-year cycles in life, all going well and here comes the downer. Funding cuts across the University. RAs well we’re disposable. First to be cut was me. Here I am again, back at this familiar road. Find something I’m good at and I like and here comes something to take it away. Oddly, I was different this time. The disappointment didn’t come as a surprise, things were going too well so I was expecting this to occur. But more than that, after so many disappointments and setbacks in my life I was just like meh, okay, it’s another one, I’ll deal with it like I always do. No worries! I was gutted to be leaving the department but I also felt that maybe this was a blessing in disguise. A new chance to see this as rather than a setback, a new adventure, a new challenge. Since 2013 I’ve had the mindset of turning negatives into positives, even if that is only a small positive. I had learnt all that I could there, I couldn’t progress without a PhD. So PhD it is.

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I’ve always been a firm believer that if you have the right attitude in life, if you work hard, then you build a door. If you do that, then life will give you opportunities and if you’ve worked hard and in the right way, then the opportunity will come and knock at that door that you’ve built. The day after I was told I was going to be unemployed, the PhD scholarship at LJMU was posted. My boss saw it, sent it to me. I quote “Jesus Tony, this PhD looks like it’s been written for you! Drones in fieldwork! You should apply”. There was an opportunity, knocking very loudly! I was so very nearly not going to apply until my work mum Sara knocked some sense into me (one of the very many unsung heroes of this decade for me! Thank you Sara!). I applied, did the interview, got the scholarship and the rest is history as they say!

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2016-2019 and that’s where we end this decade. The PhD years. These past three years would never have happened without that decision way back in 2010 or that one in 2015. It’s a weird life when you think about it. If I had my way, I like to think I would have been an air traffic controller now, with a wife and maybe a kid. But life has a funny way of getting you where you need to be, not where you want to be. Here I am, in 2019, as a Doctor. I never thought or even entertained the thought that one day I would be Dr Cliffe, I’d be an editor of a Journal and a Senior Lecturer at 27 years old. Yet, for all of that journey, I am immensely proud that I am here. That I never gave up and that I feel I am where I’m meant to be right now. The past three years have undoubtedly been the best of the decade. I have so much love for my time on the PhD and the people who were in it My final day and my goodbye. I have grown again as a person to someone who I feel is the best and most rounded version of me there has ever been. The past three years have been the most intellectually challenging journey. It’s also been the most personally challenging as I’ve worked towards the highest academic qualification you can get. It’s been a fabulous time, especially all the friendships, relationships and travel that it brought me!

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However, the past three years would not have been possible without my fellow PGRs, especially H105. They have been my rock throughout all of this! Friends that I know I will have forever! The battle of the Viva and my ode to H105 A perfect weekend: A wedding and Friendships Yet, they’re not alone in my thoughts as I look back on this decade. You see, for every fail and trust me I have 1000 fails to every one of my successes. You see, whether I’ve failed or I’ve achieved I’ve never been alone. I’ve had people in my life for those ten years who’ve been through everything, I’ve had people who’ve come and gone. Each time was leaving a piece of them with me that has changed me. People have left me with positives and some with lessons. I’ve had so many unsung heroes on this journey, so many people who when I lost faith, put their faith in me. I’ve had the most amazing mentors who backed me when I didn’t back myself, who pushed me beyond my perceived limits to see what I was truly capable of. This decade is littered with the most amazing, kind-hearted, dedicated, and loyal people I have ever met. I have had friends like Chloe, Emma, Hannah, Luke, Laura, Vic, Katie, the list goes on who have stood by me through thick and thin. Who has never waivered, who always believe in me and what I stand for. Without out, I wouldn’t be possible.

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I feel as I end this decade that I am incredibly wealthy in terms of the company that I now keep. 2010 me was a lost boy who didn’t fit in. 2019 me is a man who has found a home, a family. I may not be where I thought I would be, but I’m where I feel I’m meant to be.

Let’s see what the new decade holds, 2010-2010 was the decade of achievement…I’m ready for the adventure of this new decade. What it will be called I guess I’ll find out in 10 years, but I am ready for it to be written!

Decade of Achievement

A – Levels
UK’s first parliamentary school speaker award winner
UK Good Citizen of the year award
BSc Geography
Novel published on Amazon
Top 20 UK undergraduate researchers (2013)
MSc Sustainability
Outstanding Academic Support staff overall winner 2016
Editor of IJSaP
4 papers published
PhD
Driving Licence
Senior Lecturer
Deputy Chair of Ethics
Post Graduate Assessment Officer

August 9, 2019

My dedication to the inner circle!

I wrote a blog many years ago, which just happened to be one of my all-time favourite pieces I’ve ever written. It was an in-depth look into how females and particularly female best friends have had such a profound impact on my life and the person I am today. It was at the time one of my most-read posts, and it’s those kinds of dedication blogs that I rarely write, but when I do, I absolutely love it. I’m pretty terrible at telling someone how I feel in person, but I can express it and immortalise my respect, gratitude and love to them through the written word.

Unfortunately, I no longer have a copy of that blog. That old blog site was closed down without warning years ago (thankfully paying for this blog I have the peace of mind that these blogs will stay!) and I’ve long since got rid of that PC. I contemplated rewriting that for this post but take note Disney, that a well-received classic should never be remade, ever! No matter how hard you try, it will never compare to the standard or the heart of the original.

I think I signed off one of my recent blogs talking about how I am a wealthy individual, not in terms of monetary value but in terms of the company that I keep. I’m big enough, ugly enough, and wise enough to know that I’m not the easiest person to have as a friend. I’m always on the go, I demand the best from myself every day, and therefore I’m pushy and demanding of you to be the best that you can be. I can be direct and brutally honest at times…okay, all of the time. Where friends often use little white lies or disguise their disagreement with their friend’s actions to make their friend happy, that doesn’t happen with me. If you ask me my opinion on something, I’ll tell you even if you don’t like my answer. I can be incredibly stubborn at times and set in my ways. What you see with me is what you get, that honesty and black and white stance on things some people can’t handle. They prefer to be pampered or only have their own thoughts validated. So those who have stuck around first and foremost, thank you! I probably come across as a right twat don’t I? But despite those flaws, I do like to think that I am one of the most loyal, dedicated, protective and loving person to those few who I do let in.

I have many good friends, I have close friends, and I have a group of friends who sit in the inner circle. Those who over time their friendship has never faulted or waivered. These beautiful individuals all enhance my life greatly in a variety of ways, each one of them incredibly unique, each one my life would be decidedly empty and less fulfilling if they were not in it. There are many people close to me that I could and should thank (so please don’t be offended if you’re not in this blog! You don’t mean any less to me than these people!!) but I thought it would be nice to give my gratitude and thanks to those who’ve been through it all. They say that those who have been friends for between 7 and 9 years become friends for life. Thus, I think that’s a good cut off point for this blog because it just so happens that those who I’ve been friends with the longest just so happen to be those inner circle of people.

When I say inner circle it does sound a bit cultish or an elitist club, right? But that’s not really what I mean, the inner circle is simply a designator for those who I have no walls up for, for who know my many flaws and accept them, who know my hopes, dreams and desires and who knows my darkest secrets. I trust these individuals with my life, they have shown complete loyalty and dedication through the good times, but more importantly throughout the years and the hard times, they’ve never shone away from standing by me, either picking up a sword to fight alongside me or holding an umbrella up while I weather a raging storm. Some people rely upon and put all of their eggs into only one person, usually a boyfriend or girlfriend, at the expense of their friends. Me, well I much prefer diversity and a well-oiled machine around me, a team. Each one of these people is vastly different and all the better for it. So, without further exposition, let’s get into it!

Luke:

My bro!

Holds the honour as one of the only males to make it into the inner circle! Luke isn’t a friend but is instead, an adopted big brother that I never had. We’re not friends, we’re Bros! My parents simply refer to him as “second son”. I’ve known Luke for what feels like a lifetime, we’ve practically grown up together. For context, Luke is a couple of years older than me and was my sister’s friend in high school. He popped round for tea one day and we got on really well, except our first conversation was an argument! An argument about the position of the vertical stabiliser on an F-18 vs an F-15. Nerdy or what but as a fellow avgeek we knew we’d be friends! From then practically every day during the summer holidays and weekends we’d spend together, climbing trees, buildings go-karts, fighting side by side in the infamous Hunt Road waterfight wars and generally just being lads!

As we got older, Luke was always the big brother I never had. Always there for me, protecting me, looking out for me, guiding me, and always on point with his advice. On paper, we’re vastly different people. Luke is athletic, outgoing, loud, a doer, incredibly funny and someone more of a risk-taker. Me I’m not athletic, not that adventurous, I’m more of a person to write the manual than actually to do it, and I’m risk-averse. Yet, it works! One thing i’ve learnt is to never play sports with Luke, he has an uncanny knack of using whatever sporting instrument be that a cricket ball or an air hockey puck, and getting a direct ‘accidental’ hit in my nuts. Bastard! We get on so well together, and my life would be completely different if I didn’t have my Bro in my life. Kudos to Amy, his beautiful wife, who still allows him to disappear every other Saturday so we can still hang out for a few hours!

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Luke forces me to go out of my comfort zone, to be more adventurous and more outgoing. I can’t thank him enough for all of the times he’s been there for me through the good times but especially the dedication and encouragement through the bad times. Just an example of the kinda standup bloke he is, when I did go through that awful breakup, he left work early that day to hang out and take my mind off it and kept coming up with random things to do on weekends to keep me occupied until I was back on my feet. A true genuine legend. A true brother. I love you, Bro! Every guy needs a true bro, and I’m so very thankful that it’s you!

Chloe:

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My fav spud

Chloe or more accurately Spudette (I’m referred to as Spud!) has been one of my rocks and a pillar in my life. I met Chloe properly during our first year residential trip to Slapton and boy am I glad we did! From the early days of ripping each other for our accents, in scouse i say graph like it ends in a F whereas Chloe would say it as if it had too many A’s! Teaching her to say purple in scouse is still one of my personal highlights! Common vs Posh English! For eight years, I don’t think we’ve ever stopped laughing since! Chloe is one of the most beautiful people I know, not just in terms of looks (like all my female friends, they’re absolute babes!) but in terms of personality. I’ve never met someone who is as dedicated, loyal, caring and kind-hearted as Chloe. Not just towards me but everyone in her life, we all need a person like Chloe in our lives! From day one, we struck up a fantastic rapport, and from day one, I’ve always felt that no matter what, Chloe has my back. Chloe is the first person I turn to in a crisis or when a significant decision needs to be made. I often rarely ask for advice or seek council because I think I can do everything myself ( I can be pigheaded that way!), but any big decision gets run past her because she has such clarity and my best interests at heart that I value her advice and opinion so highly.

I recall spending hours at the river in Chester us both discussing what I should do, take the job in Nottingham, a £27,000 three year contract job or to stay in Chester and become a research assistant for £16,000 on a temporary year contract. I had conflicting thoughts, the logical rational me was a no doubt to take the Nottingham consultancy job. Yet the emotional me knew my heart was in research, so I wanted the Chester one, but that was an irrational and illogical choice. My Dad was pushing for me to take the Nottingham job, my Mum was pushing for the Chester one. Confusion and confliction everywhere. Everywhere until Chloe and I met up, finally, clarity. The weird thing about Chloe is there is a calmness that I don’t get with anyone else, she just gets it! At the end of the day, I took the illogical and irrational decision to take the Chester job. A decision I have never regretted! Thank you, Chloe!

I’m not a religious person or that spiritual, but I do believe in the Universe, and it’s little nuances. I read many years ago about each of us have three assigned people, a soul mate (in the romantic sense), a soul mate (in terms of platonic love) and a Guardian/Protector. They can be one individual who is all three, or they could be three separate people. I’ve always thought since the day I met Chloe that she is the platonic soul mate and quite possibly the protector. There has always been an energy that we were meant to be best friends, from day one, it’s always been easy! I adore being in her company, and even though she now lives on the other side of the planet, our friendship is as strong as ever. I wrote a fun blog years ago about what the perfect woman would be like, Chloe’s personality formed a basis for comparison in terms of traits. An incredibly loyal, smart, dedicated, caring and super-intelligent woman! I love you Spudette, thanks for always saying the right things and always without hesitation, having my back. I so appreciate that, and I’m thankful that you’re apart of my life!

Emma:

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My sister from another Mr!

If Luke is my Bro, then Emma is my sister from another Mr While I have a wonderful if not infuriating at times actual blood related older Sister, I’ve always seen Emma as a sister of my own age. A sister that I can talk to about everything, you know the things that you’d never really want to discuss with your family haha! When friends progress past friendship and enter the family tier, you know you have a friend for life. I’ve known Emma since year 9, so we’re looking at around 13 years! I think its testament to our friendship that in those many years, we’ve changed so much as individuals, we’ve both gone through so much and yet the bond between us has never faulted or waivered. Emma really is a friend for life. If you had to define what a true friend looked and acted like, you’d be hard-pressed to find a better example than Em!

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You might be starting to notice a pattern here, that each one of these people is incredibly trustworthy and loyal. Em has stood by my side throughout everything, even at times in school, she rose above the mediocracy and idle gossip of others to stand at my side. She has a fantastic accurate moral compass. Em is always one of the first to message with congratulations when things are going well and consistently one of the first to offer assistance when it’s not going so well.

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Putting up with my shit since 2006!

That’s the thing I love about Em so much is that dedication and well maybe our unique sense of humour! Em is one of those people who doesn’t ever see how awesome she is, always playing herself down. Em is one of the best people that I know, and I couldn’t think of a life without her. Who would I message every day? Who could I moan to about stuff without judgement? Who would I share my love of Wagamama trips with!?

I’ve enjoyed travelling to European destinations with Em, I’ve enjoyed our weekends away to the Lakes climbing mountains and our trips to London, above all else, I just really enjoy her company. In all the time I’ve known her, we’ve never fallen out. Sure at times, I’ve wanted to kill her, case in point trying to find platform nine and fucking three quarters in Kings Cross in 30c heat in London. Or when that bitch 😉 beat me in crazy golf to win the window seat on the plane to Amsterdam (grrrr. Still bitter! One point!). Emma is a stalwart of my friendship group, another one of those people who have just become such an immense pillar in my life. Her friendship means everything, I’m forever grateful for you and everything you stand for. I look forward to our monthly catch ups when we’re in our 90’s and laughing so much our teeth fall out!!

Han:

My fav midlander!

Back to undergrad friends now and like Chloe, Han has been a constant in my life since the first year of Uni. Han is one of the funniest people I know, whether she realises her humour or not, I do not know, but I find her hilarious! I get on so well with Han that every day we spent together was an absolute laugh, and even now we message each other every day without fail, and there is always a laugh to be had! Han is one of the most loyal and level headed people that I know. When her best friend and I broke up in Uni, it could have been very easy for her to pick a-side post break up but credit to Han, she never did. She had time for us both and never made anything awkward! As we’ve got older, I enjoy that Han is the one I have a daily moan to. Usually about the general public being idiots or football-related chats! Plus she’s the legend who loans me her BT account, so I can watch the football! What an epic person she is!

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I’ve had so many fun times with Han, she introduced me to B movies, particularly any B movie titles with superlatives before sharks in it (Mega shark vs giant octopus was the first one she made me watch and oh boy is that still the best B Movie ever!). It’s also thanks to her that I’ve witnessed someone do the seemingly impossible and burn carrots! I can still taste that smell, haha! I love that we get to catch up every year and I’m proud of where you are in life right now, married to the awesome Dan and a little one on the way. You two are absolutely going to smash parenthood! That kid (baby Divok, you have to call it that!) is going to grow up with the two most loving, loyal, devoted, family-oriented parents. Han, you are beyond excellent, thank you for always being there!

Ro:

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My fav ginge

Rochene, Ro, my fave ginger, whatever I call her, I love her. Unlike the others in this list who I’ve interacted with in-person from day one. Our friendship was for the first few years entirely based via Twitter! It was not until I offered to help her with some SPSS that we met up in Costa did we actually talk face to face! Ever since then, Ro has been one of my closest friends, and despite my love-hate relationship with SPSS, I thank it for the relationship we have now! Ro probably takes the title of being the most strong-willed and minded person I know. I thought I was strong-minded and stubborn, but boy does she give me a run for my money! Plus she’s probably the only person who truly competes with me on a sarcasm level. So. Much. Sass. She’s always very keen on keeping me grounded and putting me in my place!

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Ro is definitely one of those people who sees the big gooey soft marshmallow side of me, and she puts up with all of my weirdness! Like all the others, loyalty in spades and is someone who has become another constant fixture and a pillar in my life. She is someone I will forever stand beside and back, regardless of the situation. She is by far the most complex person I know (in a good way), she’s a warrior, she’s brave, she’s independent, she’s incredibly funny, and she’s incredible! Weekends wouldn’t be the same without our coffee catch-ups, trips out walking to various places or just the simple task of running errands. Life would be pretty dull without you around! I cannot express how proud I am of you, for what you’ve achieved, what you’re doing, and what you stand for. You’ve taught me so many things that I don’t know where to begin. Thank you for always being around and putting up with me! For someone who is so small in stature, you’re an absolute giant to me!

Final words:

There are so many people I could carry on about here, from old school pals like Shaun my cycling buddy, old uni friends like Mary and Sophie, to new ones from the PhD such as those from H105. They too are all incredibly special and are huge influences in my life, but oddly enough I probably tell them that more than I do the four above. I think I take them for granted at times, and that is why I’ve written this blog, to express my deepest love and thanks to four pillars of my life. I cannot imagine a life without you guys in it. A group of individuals who guide me, keep me grounded, help me achieve success, pull me out of the crap and above all else, a group of individuals that I am so unbelievably proud to say I know and that I am friends with.

Thank you!

This isn’t going to be my only dedication style blogs this year. Those others i mentioned there, don’t worry you’re getting your own blog post! I’m also going to be doing one about mentors and those who’ve influenced me to date. Keep an eye out for them! Above all, tell the people who you love that you appreciate, love and are thankful that they’re in your life. Share the love today!

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August 6, 2019

Why do I write blogs? It’s a window to the emotional me!

For someone who is well known for their public speaking, I’m often pretty damn awful at conveying emotion to people in speech, at least my own emotion. Sure, I think back to my closing speech as head boy, an address full of emotion and I hoped at the time, inspiration. Inspiration for what was at the time, the next most significant step in our lives. I can recall numerous passionate speeches or talks I’ve given over the years to an audience of 2 up to 1000. I can always find the right words and execute them without bother, to be emotive in speech. Yet, ask me to talk about my feelings, and I can’t do it, I get lost for words.

But, I can write them.

I’ve always been a writer in some form or another, in fact, I was very young when I penned my first short story in primary school as part of a project about “what your parents do for a living”, needless to say, it wasn’t my finest work. Put yourself in the shoes of my primary school teachers who read with wide eyes a story about how “My Dad brings a Doll home called Annie and he jumps up and down on it.” My Dad is a senior paramedic of over 35 years and at the time way back then, was either doing advanced training himself or was training others and therefore would bring home the Resus Annie Doll to practice various medical procedures with tubes etc. etc. Innocent enough! Thankfully my teachers knew what job my Dad did and apparently it gave great amusement to the entire staff room for about a week!

I always loved writing little stories here and there for projects or assignments in English but never thought much of it until as part of our GCSE English coursework we had to write a story. My path to writing was down to one woman, Mrs Bygroves, my English teacher, who asked me to stay behind after class. It was her words of encouragement and telling me I had a gift for conveying the written word and that I should write stories that ignited a fire that had been simmering. The following year I published my first novel and then spent the next few years writing my second one for Amazon.

While a pilot or air traffic controller is always my dream job, to be an established author has always been the dream goal!

Writing stories, however, is a lot easier in some ways because you can base characters on people you know, or make them up! You can make things up, you can create worlds, and the emotion the characters portray is not me. It’s them. Blog writing, on the other hand, well, that’s a different kettle of fish altogether.

I started writing blogs way back in sixth form when I was backed into a corner, while I’m glad those days of the infamous blogs about the daily carryon of morons are well and truly over, it gave me a vessel to explain how I felt about people that I couldn’t express in any other form. People would message me and agree with my points and wait eagerly for the next instalment. Each post was me poking a hornet’s nest which fuelled more blogs and so the circle went on. Then I realised that two things were happening. (a.) I was getting things off my chest and thus feeling better and, (b.) people liked the honesty of it all, and I had so many private chats with people about similar things in their ‘friendship’ groups that they could relate to, or I started to add little nuggets about things outside of sixth form or advice about things that again people could relate to. I began to see that maybe my words could help as well as hurt. A dangerous at the time, combination!

My blogs moved away from the subject of others (thankfully) by time I left sixth form (thankfully that blog site was closed down years ago, and all such posts have since been long lost to the internet graveyards. A dark time indeed that was!) and I started to use it more positively, as a way to document my life, my highs, my lows, my travels and above all else, I hoped that someone would get at least one small thing from each blog that I pen. Be that to know you’re not alone if you’re going through something I went through, or maybe you might have tried that piece of advice I wrote about and it worked or even if I inspire you to go visit the places I’ve been.

Writing is to me, incredibly personal. While the birth of my blogs was born out of a crap toxic time, it was liberating to wear my heart on my sleeve and how vulnerable that can make you feel. In-person, I have many walls, and as a person who usually people just open up to me, I listen and then give logical, rational advice, I often end up getting to know a hell of a lot about you. However, I have that knack of you thinking you know me really well when actually you know the surface. That’s in part, down to a well-tested defence mechanism, at least until I trust you or you pass the Tony Test! Slowly those walls come down and you get to know the real me.

Writing blogs for me is always I see it as a little window into the real me. Little glimpses and access to who I am. Close friends and family know me and who I am, but many people see me in person, at least, as probably one of the most calmest, rational, logical and unemotional people you’ll ever meet. I do take pride in that part of myself. I don’t think I’d be doing myself a disservice if I asked my close friends to list the top 3 things they love about me, I would bet my life that they would say something along the lines of one of the points being “You tell it to me as it is. A spade is a spade. You have such clarity to cut through all the emotion of a problem and look at it rationally, logically and objectively. Then you’ll base your advice off that”. I do love how I can cut through all the emotion in a problem! Plus I love giving advice too!

People can often be put off at times at my seemingly outwardly blunt approach to problems, especially if you’re a very emotionally driven person. You very rarely see me overly joyous nor sad, or angry much in person. People can mistake that for being unemotional or as a nickname that has now stuck over the years The Robot or Tony-Bot as I’m effectually called by some! What people don’t realise is I am probably the most emotionally intense person you’ll ever meet, it’s just I have such strong control over them that outwardly you don’t see the range of emotions that go on inside. That’s when I did fall in love all those years ago it was a beautiful yet terrifying few years because that was an emotion that I couldn’t just keep inside and control of and it was like a floodgate! Scary yet awe-inspiring.

As I said, I often find it difficult to express words of how I feel in person. Not to loved ones or close friends, I’m actually a big soft gooey soppy romantic! They know that. But to those who are not in that inner circle which I’ve dropped walls for, to others I do come across as that stoic, driven, logic guy. Actually, I’m just a big marshmallow with a tough exterior wall!

So for me, writing blogs is a window into the emotional me, the guy who sits behind that exterior facing wall. Writing, therefore, is super personal for me because of every word, every emotion I’m feeling I put it into each sentence, I mean every word that I type.

These blogs are fun to write because they vary so much. The humorous ones where I get to let out that fun side of me and showcase my funnybone. The advice ones I love doing because I can use that big old Tony-Bot logic to give objective advice that may help someone. The travel ones satisfy my inner adventurer, and the emotive ones become my ultimate favourite ones.

The emotive blogs come in two forms, either happy or sad. Writing is a release for me. Some people talk to others, some drink, some have a big old cry. For me, I write. It clears my head, gets things off my chest. When I write happy emotive blogs be that dedications to people or writing about something that has happened be that an epic trip with friends or recalling something in my life it’s my heart bursting with love and joy on the page for everyone to share. Although I still get super nervous when I write about people because I never know how they’ll react. In-person no-one ever tells the other person how they perceive them, but in blogs you do. So I’m always nervous that I hope they appreciate my sentiments and how I see them! Always a relief when they message you with positive feedback, only a few times I’ve had to post edit the odd post. Oops!

Yet for me, the hardest to write and the hardest but most rewarding to read back are when life isn’t so great. I’ve never been on in these blogs or social media to only ever talk about the good stuff. This has always been about me as a person, the good and all the bad. I feel some of my best-written work has been those emotionally charged ones when either I’ve been seething with anger, or I’ve been typing through tears from being absolutely done in and heartbroken. Weirdly enough, they’re often my most read by people, either people enjoy reading my misfortune because of the event, or they appreciate that every word is dripping in emotion! Not sure which aha!

Too many people in modern-day life and especially on blogs and social media paint a perfect life, they’re wonderful, they’re doing this well. It’s false. A perfect life doesn’t exist. It’s irrational and illogical to think it’s true. I’ve documented some terrible personal lows through my blogs, eulogies of passed on relatives, discussions about leaving places and moving on, heartache words of falling out with a friend, to my emotions and recovery of that breakup which at the time ripped my heart into pieces and where I spent the best part of two years teetering on depression and my well-documented recovery of that process.

Life is a rollercoaster and we all go through shit in life. So when times are hard, I want people to read it and be like yeah he doesn’t have his shit together at all. He’s normal. And I also want people to read it and take solace if they’re going through shit too. Plus, as a side note, although annoyingly this is my 3rd blog site now and the other two where deleted without warning! That I look back at those blogs written as a document of my life. I read again all those happy memories in the happy blogs, and I see how far I’ve come from the sad ones.

Writing blogs is an excellent way for me to document things, get things off my chest. As a reader, I don’t know what you get from these blogs, various ramblings from a distinctly average, ordinary guy! I have no idea. I hope that you read them and at times laugh, sometimes cry, I hope you get inspired, comforted, or advice is taken on board.

So when I’m asked, why do I write blogs? I write for myself, a voice for that big old emotional me who sits inside the Tony-Bot. Thanks for reading!

P.S. check back in at the end of the week because speaking of emotion, I wrote a blog many years ago about how female friends had influenced my life. That sadly vanished when my old blog closed down and as its been years since I had that P.C. it’s now gone. It was one of my all-time favourite emotive dedication style blogs. So, this week I’m writing a different one but on similar lines. A dedication to those who broke down the walls.

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July 8, 2019

My final day and my goodbye

The final day

Every journey must start with a small step. Every relationship starts with a simple hello. Every memory recalled must have been lived. For three years I’ve crawled, walked, run and flew. I’ve learned how to fail through bitter experience a thousand times but how to get up 1001 times. The funny thing about journeys is you’re always aiming to get to a destination, a final fixed point in time or locality, always on the move, always getting closer. Often the destination is the ultimate goal but its how you get there that’s usually better than the place you’re trying to get to. While every journey must begin with a small step, it must end with one too. Every hello always ends in a goodbye. Today is my last official day as a PhD researcher and the last day of being a student.

I walked back through the doors of that grand old house, Holmefield, my home for the past three years today. Since day one, the strong white stoned pillars guarding the entrance with nobility always gave me a feeling of assurance. As assured as the giant sprawling trees that lined the lush patch of grass outside of the door, who’ve watched countless students throughout the years. In three years not much has changed, the chandeliers still glint in the shaft of light that trickles through the window illuminating the specs of floating dust, a never-ending dance in the air. The staircase that clings to the wall I must have walked a million times up to my office and now it was to be my last time. Punching in the code and pushing that oak door open, I was greeted by silence. My desk untouched since viva, a mass of paper and copies of my thesis, an untouched coffee cup and notepads. The other desks were just as I last remember them, a mass of books, paper and post-it notes, evident signs of feverish work that goes on in here. With each book I placed into my bag, each file I copied from the pc and with every pull of a picture or of a poster from the wall it hit me like a dagger. I’m dismantling my life with every item that goes into the box. In no time at all the only signs I was ever here is a small polaroid picture I placed with a firm thumb on the wall. A picture of H105 occupants dressed in Christmas jumpers posing for a photo, the caption underneath simply read

H105 standing together, forever

I walked down the quiet corridor and popped my head into my old office, the office where it all started in H003. Again, empty and silent, I walked towards my old desk, taking the last steps in the same steps that I took my first on this journey. I’m surrounded by the ghosts of my memories, I watch as I recall my first hello with Laura, then Vic, the Cara, Hannah, Rosie, then Katie, then the rest of the PGRs. I laugh to myself when I look out of the window and recall walking to the shops with Rosie in hurricane force winds. It’s nice to see that crack in the window had been repaired since, a shiver ripples through my body when I recall that first bitterly cold winter in that office where water and wind would rattle through the gap in the door and the broken window pane. I recalled each individual hello as if it were yesterday, the feeling of being apart of a team and getting to know them, in the beginning, was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before.

With a sad goodbye, I left the old office and walked back up to H105, the office where it really cemented our friendship. I longed to turn around and hear that chirpy morning voice from Laura signifying it was time for our daily trip to the café to drink coffee for longer than we should, discussing everything from life to work. I miss mine and Rosie’s chats about TV shows that my mum and she might like or have watched along with plenty of banter. I miss that I’ll no longer hear footsteps up the stairs and be like with a smile, oh this must be Vic! For the door to the flung open and her smile and greeting to light up the room. I’ll miss Katie’s sarcasm towards me and the many inappropriate jokes/comments that only our childish minds would find funny. I’ll especially miss drawing little post-it note doodles to fill up her wall, I never did reach my goal of trying to cover it floor to ceiling!

I take a look around looking at all of the memories in this place. Sure, it’s just an office, it’s nothing special its four walls and a door. To me, it was home, it was safety in all of the chaos of PhD life. A life raft in the stormy seas. These four walls saw us grow as individuals, its been an honour to have grown with these exceptional individuals, kind-hearted, dedicated and loyal. These four walls it saw us achieve big things, it saw us fall many times, it saw us pick each other up. It’s seen us cry and its seen us in tears with laughter. Oh, the laughter, how that room was always so full of the bellowing sounds of our laughter.

I feel a huge lump in my throat as the silence takes hold, the clatter of keyboards have fallen silent, the laughter fading. This truly is the end. Walking back out of that door for the final time with the confirmation of the heavy click of the lock. My time had come, my journey was over.

My Dad helped me load the rest of my things into the car and we drove away, that part of my life now over. “Are you sad?” my Dad asked as we drove away I managed to muster a “Yes” fighting back the iceberg-sized lump in my throat “Of course you will be, it’s been a huge part of your life” he replied.

He’s right. I’m not just saying goodbye to friends, I’m not just saying goodbye to PhD life and the travel, the coffee and the experiences, nor am I saying goodbye to the best version of me. I’m saying goodbye to a part of me that’s been me for eight years. Eight years I’ve been a student or a staff member in higher education. Now, I’m saying goodbye officially to my identity as a student. Really, while the PhD has been a three-year journey, this journey really started way back in 2010 when I was a lost boy who needed a new challenge from that of high school. A much needed new start when I arrived as an undergraduate Geographer, finally with my wings unclipped to be who I wanted to be not what school clicks and politics deemed you to be. All of the highs of finding yourself on a cold windswept beach in Slapton under the clearest starry night sky and for the first time in my life feeling like I’m valued and as part of a genuine team. To laughing until I nearly threw up in a desert on my Masters. To all the lows of breakups and failing medicals for ATC and all the stresses of work and sacrifices of an RA, at times it felt like I was stepping out into the night with only a positive attitude and hope to guide me. All those at times dead-end alleys were actually a straight line to where I’m meant to be today.

So today, I said goodbye to my life as a student. A life that’s seen me change with each new adventure and chapter. My undergrad, I found out who I was and who I wanted to be, my masters I consolidated that and grew more confident in myself, in my RA years I became far wiser and more mature and the final series, the PhD has taken all of those three things and has turned it up to 11. I am a changed man from the man I was at the start of this journey. It’s impossible for this experience not to change you fundamentally. The most brutal of worlds, the most intellectually and emotionally challengings thing a person can ever do, it’s bound to change you. But it’s changed me for the better. As sad as I am to leave, I leave as the best version of me. That’s all down to the office of H105.

Vic taught me to lighten up and find the joy in life and when things are terrible, you can always make a joke about it and smile. She’s taught me the real value of loyalty and selflessness and treating others as equals. Katie has brought out the fun side of me, the Jokey Tony instead of “Sensible Tony” which was my nickname in Chester. She also taught me how to soften my very direct nature at times and how sometimes my direct unemotional prefer logic approach might not always work for very emotional driven topics and issues (I’m still working on it! Tony the Robot!). Rosie taught me to stay true to myself and my principles, to be steadfast and stoic towards a goal, oh and I now know a lot about TV and I still don’t eat sweets before 12pm! Laura actually taught me to love again and to find self-worth again in myself. Laura became a true best friend, a confidant, while we’d argue…a lot!…we’d always resolve it through well-reasoned debate. I miss our non-date date nights, I miss our Sunday cycles, our times spent righting the world over a coffee, and I miss travelling to new places with her. I think I speak for everyone in H105 when I say the office was never the same without you when you moved away.

I leave the PhD a wealthy man, not in terms of wealth (I wish) but in that I’ve won the lottery when I’ve had the opportunity to be surrounded by people like that, people who I can call true friends and friends for life. Not just them but friends I’ve made outside of H105, the fellow PGRs who I know will be friends for a very long time.

So tomorrow I will walk across that stage for the final time, I’ll shake the VCs hand and I’ll get my doctorate in hand. The destination reached. There is despite everything, a truth in that we must all face, whether we want to or not is that everything eventually ends and everything has its time. I’ve worked hard for so many years to reach this goal, and I’ve worked my hardest with the right attitude and commitment, doing it the way I wanted it, with compassion and by building others up instead of stepping on them to get where I needed to be. I hate endings, I hate that every hello always ends in a goodbye. I hate that ending. I hated the last day of summer before a new term started, the end of a perfect day with friends or the turning of a final page of a great book. Endings are a fact of life, the seasons change, the sun will rise, and the stars will shine. Life simply goes on around you. Tomorrow is one of those days, an ending, a closure. I say goodbye to everything that was familiar, everything that was comfortable, I’m moving on, taking my final steps on this journey but new ones on a new adventure. While it hurts to say goodbye, just because I’m leaving some people and experiences, have become so ingrained in me that they’ll be with me no matter what. I don’t know what the next chapter of my life holds, I don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll do but I do know that in amongst all the chaos of life I have a sanctuary, a solid ground in those select few who I dropped walls for, for those who fought by my side. They will forever be my moral compass, my guiding star and that voice that will always be there for me.

As I hate endings, I’ll simply say with a heavy heart and a tear in my eye, thank you to everyone who’s been on this journey with me. Instead of goodbye, “I’ll see you around” xxx

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February 5, 2019

Another Single Valentines day

Hey guys, well it’s that time of year again where single people like me wallow in self-pity. Doubly so this year as I can’t even comfort eat the numerous heart-shaped chocolates in the shops as I’m lactose/dairy intolerant, so it’s a double dagger to my jaded heart. Cruel. I mean I’m totally cool with being single for the 7^th valentines day running, who’s counting…sniff…I say as the crumbs of my 25^th consecutive Oreo falls into my beard (attractive I know ladies!).

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Valentines day blogs I’ve covered everything from the perfect gifts, to the bitter blogs about it being a corporate day which has origins in a Roman guy who stalked a girl, then died pushing her out of the way of a runaway cart. People say that’s cute! I say that’s a Netflix criminal documentary. These blogs, the emotional robot Tony (yes I do have them) often allow me to discuss my feelings on subjects of love and women. They’re often my favourite blogs over the years. After all my love of writing blogs came from me trying to deal with the shitstorm of 6^th form. Over the years I’ve felt less and less inclined to wear my heart so openly online, I’m sure you’ve either read or can find those past blogs somewhere online. Yet, despite that I still love these types of blogs. Some of them are fun like a blog I wrote about why I’m single The Single Life of a Tony, or one of my favourite and actually most read blog was my joke take on what the perfect woman would be What would the perfect girl be if she existed?! Other blogs, well they’ve been a bit more sombre but packed a message like this one Cheating in relationship, is it in the Jeans?.

For this one, well I’ll try and strike a balance between the two! Lately, I’ve given some thought to relationships, I’ve been a bit preoccupied for a while with other stuff. I’ve had close friends start new relationships and others ending, I’ve seen those on a high and those struggling. Add to that I’m coming to the end of my PhD and in all honesty having absolutely no clue what lies in store for me next and the terrifying feeling I feel about leaving that life and for the first time probably ever, that I don’t have a solid plan or goal, it has made me think about a lot of things lately. Top piece of advice, I may seem like I have my shit together, but I’m just like you, a twig in a river just in for the ride having no clue.

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The last valentine’s day I spent with someone the tap jammed on and the kitchen nearly flooded with boiling hot water, and we spent the evening filling pots and pans to stop the water from flooding the kitchen. If that wasn’t a metaphor for how that relationship would eventually end, I don’t know what is haha! I’m not going to throw shade in this blog at people in relationships and whatever it is you do on valentines day. Whether you make it special or not, it’s your relationship and I for one and not in a position to judge. You know my thoughts on having a day to celebrate your love for another person and whether I think this is how it should be done.

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In terms of me, well yeah another year single. I honestly thought that last year that would have changed but as per usual with me and my love life well it’s often a square trying to fit into a circle, it never quite fits. I’ll pass on three scenarios or instances where I thought it would change, but the universe as usual laughed and went no.

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For the first time in a long, long time did I entertain the thought of being with someone, people commented on how I was smiling a lot more and was funnier and yeah, I did want to be a better person for her. I’ll take a side step here for a second to explain something. Despite my opening remarks, I’m actually a pretty happy single, I’ve written blogs before about how important it is when you come out of a relationship which you give your all in, to recharge, rediscover yourself and ultimately, forgive your flaws. After all, if you can’t love yourself then how can anyone ever truly love you and you to love someone else? What this means, however, when you’re very self-assured of yourself as well while you may miss having that one person to entirely rely on, or the cute things like morning kisses, on the whole, you enjoy life, you appreciate who you are and that’s important because you’re whole as a person and don’t need someone else to make you whole. I think that’s incredibly important! So when someone comes along who when you are a whole person make you sit up and think, well hey, this girl I want to be better than I am now and they’re going to enhance what I have. Take yourself from 10 to 11, that extra level you haven’t unlocked yet.

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So I met someone who for the first time in ages those thoughts crossed my mind, of course as per usual they were taken. I rolled my eyes, we’ve seen this episode before in the sitcom or is that the horror show that is my love life? Anyway, long story short the classic I’ll wait for her to sort her stuff out and I’ll be a gentleman and not tell her how I truly feel about her, it was too late. The moment had gone. That’s cool, we’ve been here before. As another joke, there was someone else who passed the Tony test, someone I didn’t really think would but did, and I enjoyed every moment with them, but circumstances meant that that would never happen. At least I now have a pretty good yardstick of who to compare to, to live up to my idea of a perfect woman. Lastly, while those two were the standard typical me issues, the latter is when I came to realise that I am destined to be single probably for another few years. It’s like every time something crops up to close that door. Those on Facebook will know about the Bumble story.

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Eugh. If that wasn’t a sign, then I don’t know what is. People used to think I’d be taking the piss with how unlucky I am with women, but that just proves it. To quote one of my dear friends “Tony, you really are the most unluckiest people in love I’ve ever met”. I have to agree. If you don’t know the story, well, after months, probably years of “You need to go dating, go on the dating apps” I caved in and dipped my fishing rod into the sea of online dating. Hardly any fish bit except one. A really good looking redhead (you know my Achilles heel), smart, super funny, loved black coffee and aviation, I was thinking well finally, here she is, the one that ticks all the boxes. We get on like a house on fire, and before I could ask to meet up on a date, I get ghosted. No messages for a week. From 100mph to 0. I’d heard about this dreaded phenomenon in the online world of being ghosted. I was, to put it mildly, fuming. After a week I go back onto my message on bumble, I couldn’t face it until then. That’s when the universe played a blinder and to be fair if I weren’t the butt of the joke I’d have pissed myself laughing at it. My phone and the app for whatever fucking reason decided to hold all her messages and not inform me she sent them. So while I thought I had been ghosted, I had inadvertently ghosted her. Her final message “Wow, I really thought we were getting on so well. I didn’t expect you to ghost me.”

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I messaged to explain the situation to no avail. I guess she read that and was like suuuure your phone did that, you complete dick. So yeah, whoop. That was fun, and by fun, I mean about as fun as being on Merseyrail.

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So while my single life is a shitshow as per usual someone asked me a question recently that actually got me thinking about where I stand on it all. She asked me, “Tony, would you trade in all of your degrees, all of your numerous awards and all of your successes for a happy and lasting relationship right now?”

I didn’t even hesitate in answering.

No.

No, I wouldn’t, and I’ll tell you why and why I feel comfortable single. Every degree, every award, every accolade I’ve done that on my own. I haven’t needed someone to confide in, to console, to complete me, that’s all me. It’s a badge of honour. It shows myself that I can do things, I can achieve and when it all goes to crap, I can always rely on myself. Behind those degrees and awards is a lifetime of failure, stress, self-doubt, imposter syndrome to name but a few negatives. Yet, it’s each fall, each hurdle, that I’ve had to pick myself up, learn, move forward, always moving forward. So no, I wouldn’t trade any of that in for a relationship.

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That got me thinking then that while I joke that the universe is against me when it comes to the opposite sex, I think actually I’m the problem! I’ll tell you why or at least why I think I am. The first reason is that I am a problem solver and I give advice, and I don’t beat around the bush. While I am deeply emotional as a person, you’ll never see that in person. I value rational thought and logic over emotions. While that is one of my strengths as I can cut through bullshit and sort mostly any problem out and I would say that those who are close to me value that quality that a spade is a spade. While that’s great as a friend or a colleague would a girl always want to be called out on the bad things to be improved? I’m not trying to be mean, not at all, just if I see you can be more efficient or improve something I’ll tell you. Of course, while I try to be a bit more inclined to the emotionally sensitive people, I imagine that how I come across is a bit abrasive.

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The second problem on those lines is I am so hard on myself. Always have been and probably always will be. Daft but a recent example, I’ve just finished writing my thesis in 2 years 5 months, way faster than the average and while so many people have been like that is amazing, you should be so proud. My first thought, why didn’t you finish it in 2 years 4 months, why didn’t you push yourself to write more papers instead of the one etc. I can’t ever just pat myself on the back, and when others send praise, I brush it off as it’s nothing. What that transpires into is that I demand a lot from myself, so those who I hold dear I demand their best too. I mentioned before that I’m a problem solver, my default is okay, here is a problem, right, how can I sort that for you so that you’ll be happy again or can move forward. What I’ve slowly become to learn is actually a lot of women just want to be listened to, to have someone agree and say you’re in their corner. Not to solve their problems but to say yeah, I’m standing with you on this one.

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Finally, what this all boils down to being single for so long is that I am utterly shitting myself for my next relationship. I’m terrified to take that step again, to open up my heart for fear of the damage an ending will have again. Heartbreak is the literal worst thing you can experience. It’s easier to not be in a relationship to not be hurt, and therefore walls are set in a solid foundation. When you’ve thought for just yourself for so many years, to then, think for two people will genuinely be a challenge for me. I know that one day I’m going to have to find the courage to retake that leap of faith, lately, each time I pluck up the courage something crops up. I know people say everything happens for a reason, well I’d like to see that reason sooner rather than later!

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Sometimes I sit here though, and I’m glad that I’m single. I see the pain that some people post break up go through, and I relive that crap time. I sympathise. I then see people really not happy in relationships but are so afraid to start again, to take drastic steps to be happy themselves that they stay in unhealthy relationships, denying themselves a better option and being in denial that things will get better. One thing that being single for so long gives you is clarity. Sometimes I think people fall in love with the idea of love and not the person. Love is fucking hard. Love isn’t holding hands, it isn’t supporting each other in the good times or telling them you love them when you feel like it. Love is when the shit hits the fan in your life, and the other person stands with you, love is when you’ve been chucking your guts up and look like death, and they tell you you’re beautiful because to them beauty if way past what you look like. Love is when you fundamentally disagree on an issue, but you put that aside and support unconditionally because you’re a team. You rely on each other. Love is making those efforts in the moments where it all seems like it could fall apart, but you work at it because you’re both invested.

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What I see, more often than not, however, is people think they’re in love when in fact they’re in love with the idea of love. They don’t love themselves or know what they want, so they settle for what they think they deserve. What this breads in the end if people who let their partner take liberties or actually when they take a close look realise they have nothing in common or actually we’re a team publically but behind closed doors we’re as far apart as can be. If you’re not happy in a relationship, you really need to leave, for your own sake and for the other person. Sure, it’s a weird single world out there, and I bet the thought of starting again is fucking terrifying, but at least you’re giving yourself the real possibility of finding happiness again. Find yourself or at least a teammate who’s going to always give you 100%.

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However, I see why valentines day is the day it is. Love is crazy, messed up, it’s fire and ice, it’s a rainbow in a storm, a light in an endless tunnel. I get it. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss having someone back me 100% as more than a friend, I’d be lying if I didn’t miss morning messages or random hairs on your clothes, and I’d be definitely lying if I didn’t say I miss the sex life. Which, for those asking is I think has now gone past drought to the UN’s definition of extinct! I’d be lying if I didn’t miss the powerful emotions that come with love. Future girlfriend better get ready for the best 10 seconds of her life!

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So, if you’re in a happy relationship and you love the person you’re with, on valentines day, I get it, I really do, and I applaud you. Tell that person you love them, not just on the 14^th but every day. Sure, you’re going to hit turbulence along the way but make it work if you’re both committed. Never lose sight of the fact that you’re a team.

If you’re in a relationship and you’re deeply unhappy. As scary as it is, leave. It won’t get better, it never does, I’ve seen it a billion times before. You’re denying yourself a chance of happiness. If you’re newly single or just single, yeah this day sucks, it reminds you that even people like Hitler had a partner and you don’t. You’re literally less desirable than Hitler. I feel your pain. The 14^th is brutal. But guess what, you are strong, you are you, you fight your battles every day on your own, you’re valued, and you won’t be as unlucky as me because I think I’m taking one for the team when it comes to love.

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So for next year, who knows if it’ll be 8 years or I’ll be one of those annoying over the top soppy people. Tune in next year guys. As always though, whatever happens, love yourself and give yourself a break!

Until next time.

July 24, 2017

A perfect weekend: A wedding and Friendships

Hey guys!

I wasn’t planning on writing another blog this month but last weekend was so awesome that it deserved its own outright blog! Plus I am currently sitting here doped up on painkillers after pulling my back out…not through some rigorous exercise or manly task –oh no. It went twang when I bent down to pick up the remote control off the floor. Eugh! 25 going on 80.

But before becoming the hunchback of Notre dam, last weekend was a very good one indeed. We go through each day having periods of happiness and laughs but often in-between those moments it’s often punctuated by lots of mundane things like travelling to work, answering emails or sitting in your own world of music (of which I have great choices of playlists…well I think so anyway). It’s rare to have a solid few days of nothing but laughs and enjoyment with the people you care about the most.

Before I take you back to the weekend, I guess I should really check your ticket and welcome you aboard the time travel train. Next stop 15 years ago.

15 years ago this guy comes around to my house. He was in my sister’s class so a few years older than me. He’d just moved in around the corner and he came around for tea. I didn’t know who he was and not that I really cared either. At least I didn’t until I hear him talking about planes with my Dad. Hmmm I thought, maybe this guy is an avgeek too. I had some really cool cloud wallpaper, let me remind you I was 10 years old at this point! I also had this really cool wallpaper boarder that had different military aircraft on it. As a side note it’s weird how boarders on wallpaper just isn’t a thing anymore! Anyway, I show him my awesome wallpaper and then we have a heated discussion about whether one of the aircraft depicted was an F-18 or an F-15. “No! The F-18 has vertical double tailfins. It’s an F18!” …”It’s an F15! The F15 has double vertical tailfins, the F-18 has slanted double tail fins.” And so on and so on. Safe to say my ten year old self was wrong and he was right. Welcome to the first conversation of a beautiful bromance with one of my oldest and most dearest guy mates, Luke. To call him a mate is a disservice to our friendship. I don’t see him as a friend, I don’t even seen him as a best friend. He’s my brother.

It’s no secret that I have a lot of women in my life and very strong and powerful ones at that, who shape who I am and are a massive part of my life. I’ve written a few blogs over the years as to why that is and I do cherish my female friends dearly. As much as I share so much with them, somethings just need a guy and I have a small select number of guy friends but Luke, my bro, has always been the biggest. From that first argument well actually discussion, I don’t think we’ve ever had a proper argument or falling out, we’ve been bro’s since. So much so that every day in summer he was around here, every weekend around my house, my parents call him son number 2 and likewise he calls them 2nd Mum and Dad! He has been there constantly for 15 years and offers everything a Brother would, advice, friendship, support, laughs and copious amounts of bullying ;). We’re two very different people, if you ever watch Hawaii Five-0 the Bromance Steve and Danno have is very much the two of us! One is very out going, gun ho, lives in the moment and gets stuff done. The other, like me, is very reserved, methodical, and prefers sarcasm and wit to make up for my lack of physical prowess. Nothing more outlines how different we are as people as this memory.

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Let me take you back to a baking hot early spring weekend day and as usual we’re playing some sort of game in the back garden. For those of you who have never had the pleasure of being around at my house, in my back garden we have this giant…humungous cherry tree. It’s about as tall as two houses and in full bloom about the width of one. It towers over everything, this big old mighty tree.

“I’m going to climb that tree…yep…I’m gonna’ do it!” he says with all the bravado of a teenage guy.

I shift uneasily on my feet “I’m not so sure mate. That’s very high, it’s quite windy and the tree hasn’t fully formed from winter yet. The branches won’t be very strong to take your weight. I don’t think the odds are good. I’d leave it.” I explain in typical Tony fashion.

“Nah. I’ll be fine! You worry too much!”

I watch as this boy turns into a spider monkey and rockets up the tree, branch to branch, shimmying up the main trunk like he was raised in the jungle. He disappears in the early spring blossom and then reappears at the top with a triumphant yell! With a whistle he exclaims “What a view!”

I call back “I’m sure it is! Stay safe up there!”

“Ha yeah. Hope I don’t fall!”

“Touch wood!” I retort.

“Yeah…Touch wood!”

While I turn my back to touch the wooden bench I was sitting on, I look on in a state of confusion and then a wry smile creeps across my face. I watch this spider monkey negotiate his way back down the tree, yearning for the next branch, then carefully placing his feet, I try to hold back my laugh as I realise what’s going on. I mean I could warn him, I could tell him but what sort of Brother would I be if I did?! He gets near the bottom and he’s hanging on by a few fingers, stretching with all of his reach…nearly there…little bit more. Ah. Finally. His finger touches the wooden fence before he retracts himself back up to the branch.

Through some laugher “Why the hell did you just do that?”

“Errrr Duh Tony. You said touch wood. So I touched wood!” he replied in a matter of fact tone.

“Dude. What’s a tree made out of?”

“….”

“You’re in a tree…made of wood.” I can’t even finish without laughing.

“Hmmm. Point taken!”

But for 15 years I’ve had a brother that I never had before and he is my closest guy mate. I’ve been there through his relationships and likewise he’s been through mine. I’ll still always be forever grateful for when my ex broke up with me he came around every day for a week, even after work to cheer me up and take my mind off it. What a top guy!

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So I’ve seen Luke grow into the man he is today and when Amy came along many years ago, it was the final missing piece for him. A beautiful, intelligent, funny and family orientated woman. I am a sucker for romance and for everything I’ve wrote and the stories I’ve wrote over the years, I’d struggle to put together two characters who are so suited as Luke and Amy are! When they announced their engagement I could not be happier!

While sitting in a Toronto hotel room trying to fight off the losing battle of jetlag after arriving in Canada, I get a message from him asking if I would do him the honour of being one of his best men. I was honoured and not even a fuzzy jetlagged mind had any hesitations in saying yes. Adam his real brother and Jay one of his oldest friends, were the other two best men. He’s a lucky guy to have such awesome dudes in his life, if I do say so myself!

So after the planning, picking out the suits and the stag do, in the run up to the wedding he asked if I would do a reading at the wedding service and if I would be Master of Ceremony. Jay would look after the rings and do the rings at the service and Adam would do the best man speech. Errrm let me think about that, position of power, organisation, and I get the kick ass title of master of ceremony hmmm. YES! I asked if I could wear a cloak and have a cane but apparently that wasn’t appropriate. L I can’t have it all! It was only until I went away and googled what my role involved did I realise what it was I actually just signed up for! Plus, every time I told anyone what my title was for the wedding they would take a sharp intake of breath and would say “wow. No pressure. Don’t fuck it up”.

For those of you who don’t know, the Master of Ceremony is as one website put it. The key linchpin in making a successful and smooth wedding day. Your duties include,

· Being the wedding host- Greeting members of the wedding, introducing the day’s events on the microphone and telling people important things like speeches, when to sit, where to sit, when the first dance will be etc.

· Run on schedule – Liaise with wedding venue staff and others to make sure everything is in place when and where it should be.

· Trouble shooter – Deal with any problems. At no point should the bride and groom hear of any problems.

· Make sure the guests and most importantly the bride and groom have the best and smoothest day possible.

So, no pressure! I didn’t mind the pressure as that’s when I’m at my best. Leading and being responsible for stuff, as an ENTJ it’s literally in the blood! Plus, I absolutely love public speaking so it was a role I was well suited for, even if I’d never really done a wedding before or done any of this before!

All best men worked incredibly hard that day to make sure it was such a smooth and enjoyable day. The venue was stunning. Old country manor style feel and the location for the service inside a converted barn was breath-taking and classy and just wow. I really cannot wait to see the official pictures!

It hit home how special it was when I was waiting outside for Amy and the bridesmaids to arrive and Luke was in the barn and all the guests were waiting patiently with a buzz of excitement. When they arrived it was show time. After a few words with them and making sure everything was set, we exchanged some thumbs up and as I walked up the aisle, I put my hand on his shoulder “She’s hear mate. She looks stunning! Show time!” then sat down next to him. When the music started and everyone turned around as she walked up the aisle and then seeing their two beaming smiles when they saw each other. Oh man! So cute!

My Bro just before he got married!

The service was wonderful and I didn’t mess up my funny reading to which both he and Amy wanted me to do in ‘Your story’ voice. So plenty of emphasis and fun on some of the words. After pictures they both went to the beach with the photographer and then came back for the speeches and food and I did my MC duties before the night time started. What really struck me was when I had just one final thing to do at the end of the night and that was sorting the cake cutting. I’d been liaising all day with the staff and expected the cake room to be open at 9pm, right after the first dance. The kitchen staff were running behind schedule and I was helping them out while trying to organise the first dance and the tossing of the bouquet. When the first dance was announced I took a moment to just stop for a second for the first time that day and just look around from the back of the hall. Seeing two people so in love during their first dance and then watching everyone else join in, seeing everyone with a smile on their face. Such a wonderful moment. Its seldom we get those days when everyone is happy and there is nothing but love in the room. I knew at that point that I had done my job and that the wedding with everyone else’s help, had gone off without a hitch. I slipped away back to the kitchen before the end of the first dance to get the cake ready and managed to do my last thing, albeit two minutes behind schedule. Which isn’t too bad after everything!

Once my official duties were over and feeling real pressure which was leading the Macarena dance on the dance floor, which is terrifying. Give me the pressure of not fucking up my mates wedding any day than leading that dance! I was knackered ha-ha. It was great to see so many happy faces and it was great to see so many of my family there too! It was great to catch up. Weddings are truly special and one day when and if I ever have my own, I hope my wedding is just as good as theirs and I know Luke as my best man would do a wonderful job! My final duty was to announce last orders and after my goodbyes I was home by 12 and bed by 12.30. A successful, wonderful and very happy day!

The Fam

Congratulations to you two amazing people! I hope you have a long, healthy and very happy life together Mr & Mrs Talbot!

A week before the wedding I was out riding with Laura and she suggested that me, her and Katie do something that weekend. Katie had recently moved to Liverpool and we all wanted to do something together and I personally didn’t want her to feel too lonely moving into a new place. We had all discussed the lakes but I thought I wasn’t going to be free until the afternoon, I honestly thought the wedding night would have gone on longer. I had promised Katie ages ago when she moved here, that I’d show her one of my favourite places in Merseyside, Formby Pinewoods. There, Crosby beach and Clieves Hill are my favourite spots.

I woke up at 6 a.m. on the Sunday morning still on a buzz from the day before and after some discussion between us all, we decided to go to the woods. Again more pressure. I had built this place up to be awesome and I promised the sight of squirrels! I was so looking forward to spending the day with these two. I often make reference to my life being some sort of TV series and that Sunday would be one of those episodes where you would just go back to time and time again to watch. Just pure comedy gold.

The PhD started off with a big cast of series regulars and slowly due to people moving away or different circumstances that the core group of people, has slowly reduced. In everyday are now only me, Laura and Katie. Rosie and Vic are in every so often but its Katie and Laura who I see every day and it’s no surprise that our friendship has grown together. Three different people but three people who work incredibly well together. I mentioned before the way your day has moments of joy and laughter in it and then is punctuated by the boring mundane things like work or travel. I’m so glad to be in that office because it’s more a case of laughter and joy than anything else. I’m the happiest I have ever been for a number of years and that’s most certainly down to having two great people to have a laugh with every day. It never feels like work with my ladies 😉 !

Cool AF

I don’t think I have laughed as much as I did that day. There are far, far, far too many noteworthy moments that in all fairness, probably deserve a blog in their own right! From selfies, to pisstaking out of my excellent descending skills, to the infamous 50 shades of pug. In fact. No. I can’t even begin to explain or even try to type anything remotely about that, without having tears in my eyes from laughing. I will never look at a Pug or a member of a family. EVER.AGAIN! hahahaha. Fuck me. It was one of those you had to be there moments! Just pure comedy. On par if not surpassed by the office monkey GIF! Firmly blaming you for that one again Katie!!

Its balancing act

There were so many and I mean so many, innuendos on that trip! I had promised them both that I would show them a squirrel (and no that is not a euphemism!). Just as they were about to give up on it and call me a liar, this little beauty of a squirrel appeared and bounded through the trees right by us to be fed. Thank you Mr Squirrel for not making me look like a dick!

Sunday was one of those rare days of pure comedy and joy and love. I think by time I come to do my end of year blog that day will firmly be in the top 5, if not top 3. A truly wonderful and fun day with two amazing people. I had built this place up and I think it delivered!

We can’t go anywhere without a coffee stop first!

So sadly by time Monday came it was back to work and two fantastic, heart-warming, fun and loving two days was over. If those two days are anything to go and especially that Sunday, then when Prague comes around with those two in a months’ time, I can only imagine what blog that is going to make. I cannot wait!

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, sometimes in life you get given perfect days. Days when you have no troubles in the world, the weather is great and your company is greater and the only tears in your eyes are from laughter. Make the most of them. Take time to just stop and look around and enjoy it. Capture the moments in pictures and memorise them. It makes those mundane things in life worth it. Surround yourself with people who can love life and who love you. I am incredibly fortunate to have so many beautiful, caring and funny people in my life. Long may that continue!

Three Amigo’s

Thanks for a great two days ❤

Until next time,

Toe

2 Comments

July 12, 2017

Cheating in relationship, is it in the Jeans?

It’s been quite a while since I last wrote a blog that was solely dedicated to relationships or my usual non-existent love life. The last proper one was probably in 2015 An honest look at why I’m single or one of my favourite blogs of all time the one about the perfect girl which can be read here What would the perfect girl be if she existed?. They’re often some of my favourite ones because there is so much scope for in-depth discussion or plenty of avenues for humour and stories.

I’ve actually been meaning to do one of these for quite a while, and that’s due to different things that have happened over the past 6 months with friends, which often prompted me to get down and write about it. The main thing is, as much as I love my girl mates, they have made some truly bad decisions lately :P. Or at least from my part what I see as bad decisions. Decisions that I completely disagree with but as friends you fully support, albeit reluctantly at times. That topic is cheating in a relationship. I was going to dedicate an entire blog to the subject as I see it as far more common from my girl mates and never from my guy mates, so it got me thinking why that is. While I morally disagree with their actions, I fully understand their reasoning for doing so. Sadly their reasons are justifiable something I never thought I’d agree with and sadly, each one of them has the exact same reasons. Which, while not perfect from the girls, it means guys are not doing what they should be doing in relationships. Which is a worrying trend and precedent for relationships in general. Which is something I’ll outline in more depth in this blog.

A few years ago in a Valentine’s Day blog, I compared two different types of love with food (naturally love and food are the same thing with me!) Asda smart price vs M&S food. I’ve now updated such analogy with Primark Jeans and Levi’s. All will become clear, I assure you. However, I didn’t go ahead with writing a full blog on it because I wanted something a little lighter and happier slant on love than what that would be. As my parents have just celebrated 30 years since being married and my best guy friend is getting married this weekend, I thought it was a good time to mix the light and the dark side of relationships. Starting in the dark and working towards the light…then throwing my somewhere in between love life in there too! (Edit: But while planning this blog I realised that I may not have time to write about the wedding and the anniversary. Maybe next time!)

Disagree with the action, agree with the justification

So to the dark side first. Everything I’m about to say has been said to them so now I’m just getting my thoughts out there to a wider audience. One time it happens doesn’t need to be talked about but four times needs addressing ha-ha! So let me put my stall out and my stance on cheating before I go into anything in more depth. I fully and wholeheartedly disagree with it. I’ve been the unfortunate victim of cheating in a relationship and let me tell you it sucks. It’s one thing for someone to tell you that they don’t love you anymore, but at least they had the respect for you, to tell you. So while they may break your heart for a time, at least you’re not in a relationship in denial. When someone cheats on you, it’s basically someone saying you’re not even worth that respect. Sure, you could be the most horrible boyfriend in the world, but they still deserve a “this isn’t working” rather than cheating. If you’re unhappy in a relationship, then leave before you do something with another person. We’re humans and evolution has programmed us to procreate, so it’s natural to be attracted to other people at times in a relationship. You’re allowed to window shop, but it’s important that you don’t enter the said shop.

Taken? Then look but don’t touch.

I get it though, it can be daunting breaking someone’s heart but ultimately if you’re not happy, then you’re only cheating both of you out of a love life that you deserve. If you’re the one doing the breaking up then sure it’s going to hurt, you’re going to be the bad guy for a time, but ultimately it’s the right decision for you and both of you. If you’re the one who has been broken up with, sure it’s going to absolutely kill you but once the heart has healed you see it as a blessing in disguise. I hold 100% respect to an ex who told me they didn’t love me anymore. That took an immense amount of courage to do that, so I respected her for that. Let’s face it too, people fall out of love. It happens. People get with each other and then circumstances change, they change, and that’s all part of growing up and moving forward. These things happen, it’s not a bad reflection on either of you. Sometimes relationships just fail, and that’s okay. Take away the lessons from it and move forward. It is a bad reflection on you; however, if you then cheat in that relationship while lying to each other that you love each other when you don’t. They deserve better and quite frankly you’re better than that.

So yeah, I’m fully against cheating in a relationship and at no point in any of the conversations I’ve had with these people do I agree with what they have done. Yet, I can 100% understand their reasoning’s and their attempts at justifying their position of why they have cheated. That’s where I’ve had the moral dilemma of disagreeing with the action but understanding the reasoning behind said action.

Out of the four close girl mates that have done the cheating, each time I sat and listened to their story of events and their reasoning, it was as if the conversation was recorded and repeated. Just change the names and that would be it. The circumstances and reasons were exactly the same. These four girls are vastly different in personality, jobs, morals, and outlooks on life. Their only common factor is they’re friends with me. So, if they all have the same reasons for cheating, then that’s clearly an issue that needs to be addressed.

So what were their reasons I hear you ask? It was a variation on a lack of affection and support from their boyfriends. Now I’m not talking about someone missing an event or not backing them up in an argument. I’m talking about no flowers, no hugs, and no simple things like taking an interest in their family or how their partner’s day has been and just a general lack of being a good boyfriend. That’s the issue. Too many times have I seen guys who treat their girlfriends as if they were there guy mates, devoid of emotion or at least insensitive to such things. Sure, it’s good to be in a relationship which isn’t smothered by romance, and it’s healthy to have a laugh and goof around like best mates, and it’s vital you have your own pursuits outside of the relationship. Yet when no affection or support is offered, she will look elsewhere. That’s essentially what happened. Being in a relationship devoid of that and as soon as someone comes along who offers that person that love, support and affection, it’s not hard to see why it happened.

That frustrates me, a lot. It seems guys have forgotten the fundamentals of relationships and being a good boyfriend. Affection and intimacy is a big part of a relationship. Now I’m not saying you have to buy gifts and flowers every week for them, but once in awhile, so they know they’re appreciated, or even if you just tell them, that goes a long way. I’m not going to outline the fundamentals of good relationship etiquette, go google the millions of blogs and magazine articles which already outline the obvious. Yet, some things aren’t as obvious that I feel if guys did more, maybe their girlfriends would be less inclined to look elsewhere for affection.

Take an active interest in their lives:

Yeah, some of her hobbies may be about as exciting as watching paint dry and maybe she works in a field that you have absolutely no clue about. Does it hurt to ask about it or try to take an interest in it? For example my ex, I knew nothing about horses, nor do I really care about showjumping or take any interest in horses outside of betting on them on the Grand National weekend. I knew it was important to her and a big part of her life, so I tried to take an interest in it and let her explain things and occasionally go along to her events. Would I choose to sit on a cold field watching people jump horses, to which I’m always allergic to? No. Did I do it anyway because I wanted to support her? Absolutely. Likewise, she would humour me by asking about cycling or aviation. It’s about sharing in those new experiences. It’s important, especially if they work in a tough job or sector that even if you have no clue about it, just ask her anyway. 99% of what she says may go over your head, but she’ll appreciate you asking. After all, you’re there to support them.
Support them:

You won’t always agree with somethings they said or do, and that’s fine because we’re not all the same and debate and argument in relationships is a healthy thing. However, they need to know that no matter what, you have their back. Like for example with those girl mates, I fully disagree with their actions, I told them that and the reasons why but ultimately I still said: “I stand by your decisions and I’m here to support you”. That’s just what a good friend and what a good boyfriend should do. You’re meant to be a team! You need to have each other’s back. I’d hate to be in a relationship and not feel like I had the backing of my girlfriend.

Be emotional:

I’m not talking about serenading her with an 80’s power Ballard while sitting on a sit-on lawnmower outside her window (totally on the list to do one day :D) or writing a love poem to her. I am talking however about show her you care. Tell her you love her once in a while. I’m an emotional robot for a lot of things in life, and that’s why many people come to me for advice, especially in terms of relationships because I can easily switch off my emotions to give objective and logical advice. In a relationship, you just can’t be that person. I can control my emotions because I’m a deeply emotional vibrant person. I’m sure close friends and past girlfriends have witnessed how deep my love and affection goes. Even if you’re an emotional robot, you need to show some sort of feelings towards them; otherwise, you’re just friends or just two people who occupy the same space. Compliments are always a big boost too. Even the girls who say they hate them, they’re lying. Everyone loves a good boost in confidence. Yet, compliments from most guys on their girl’s appearance are quite shallow and usually only used in the bedroom. Women are so much more than just appearance. Maybe next time compliment her on her personality, how driven or caring she is, or how intelligent she is. Show her you love her for more than just her looks because we’re all so much more than that.

But I guess this all comes down from both sides as a lack of effort and back to that old analogy of Asda smart price food vs M&S. So let me update you with how I view relationships at the moment at least in this context.

Primark Jeans v Levi’s Analogy

Primark Jeans are basically what ‘relationships’ have become lately. A quick, comfy convenience that doesn’t require much effort or thought, lasts a few weeks to a few months, and once it’s broken, it is easy to replace. Like, Primark Jeans are very common, relatively cheap and do their job but within a few weeks to a month they shrink or come apart at the sides. There is no point working to repair them because you can just pick up another pair and you were never invested in them anyway from the start. Contrast that to a £100 pair of Levi jeans. You invest a substantial amount of money into them and usually as you’re spending that much you’ll spend your time finding the right pair before committing to the purchase. Not only do they last far longer, if they were to become damaged, you’ll work to get them repaired. Does that make sense? I’m definitely a Levi jeans kind of’ guy. I’d rather invest more and have it for longer than go through 10 pairs of Primark jeans. I just wish more people would be Levi kinda’ of people.

I guess to conclude this part of the blog, while your reasons for your actions may be justifiable and if you feel yourself going there, end it with your boyfriend or girlfriend first before you go there. It’s not healthy for either of you, and if you continue to have your cake and eat it too, karma will come back to make you choke on it. Do the right thing. Likewise, guys, step up. If a girl loves you make an effort to support and love them back. This isn’t a one-way street, you’re a team and teams require teamwork and effort from both.

So I was going to now go into the light and talk about my Mum and Dad’s 30^th wedding anniversary and my best guy friend’s wedding coming up at the weekend, but I realise that this blog has gone on much longer than I thought it would! I guess I had a lot to say, so I’ll save that for another blog. I will, however, now move into a more positive light and move towards talking about my still pretty much non-existent love life but why I hold great hope for the future. A bit lighter to end!

So ironically not a great deal has changed since those last blogs, and I’m still waiting for my ginger, cycling pilot baker girlfriend to appear. But alas it isn’t all that bad! I think I’m the happiest I have been since 2011/12, and I’m just enjoying life and travels and friendships. It’s only been maybe the past few months where I’ve actually considered and entertained the thought of being in a relationship again. Everything is now set up for one, and I know emotionally and physically, I can give time and effort into investing myself back into a relationship again. Of course, that’s easier said than done. You all know how I have that tick box system in my head and how despite having way too much self-confidence there is still the crippling fear of being hurt again and not living up to expectations in a relationship. I guess that’s normal, but I am ready to give up my selfish ways and compromise and share my life with someone in a way that is more than I do with friends. Maybe I have the courage to take that leap of faith again, but it has to be with the right person. The beauty of being single and loving yourself for who you are is that you know exactly what you want and what you need. I have felt really positive lately about the future outlook to my love life, which has been dormant for far too long! I feel like good things are on the way, and I’m excited about that adventure again as if the PhD and starting my own business wasn’t enough of an adventure already!

Someone for the first time since my ex which is what four maybe even five years ago now has passed the Tony test, not that they know that of course! I do like to keep things to myself and my cards close to my chest. That over-complicated tick box exercise, which is my defence mechanism. That’s a big thing for them and for me because it literally never hardly happens! Whether or not that will ever develop into anything in the future is not up to me to write, I’m sure the directors of the universe have plans to either develop it or not but I really don’t care. What will be will be and I’m not even giving it any thought!

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However, in the meantime, I really am enjoying the PhD life and the friendships that come with that. It’s one thing to be single for a long time and while that’s great for exploring yourself and being 100% happy with who you are, it actually makes you really appreciate the journey you’re on and where you’ve been. You also really appreciate those in your life as friends, both old and new. Every day lately has been an absolute laugh, and that’s mostly down to old but also new friends, especially those from the PhD gang. Memes, gifs, puns and jokes galore along with the beauty of getting to know them in more depth! I’m loving it and I’m really grateful for where I am in my life right now.

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Before I wrote this blog, I went through some of my old ones trying to find my last dedicated relationship blog and came across one of those blogs I wrote just after that breakup. It amazes me to see how far I’ve come since then and that it truly was a blessing in disguise. The things I’ve achieved and who I’ve become since then actually makes me proud to see who I am today. So, I guess to round this blog off on a positive note. If you are that girl, who is thinking about breaking it off with their boyfriend because they are either not affectionate, caring or you’ve just run out of love for them. Set them free. It’s their choice to be another Primark Jean for another woman, but maybe you might set them free to become a Levi. They may just thank you. Don’t try to wear two jeans at once because no one wins then. With that in mind, maybe you’ll realise that while shopping in Primark has its perks, you might dip into your pocket and invest in a pair of single Levi jeans. We do exist 😀

Until next time,

Toe

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April 2, 2016

What would the perfect girl be if she existed?

Long-time no blog! Sorry, I fully expected to have at least a few blogs a month but it has just been so incredibly full-on. I’ve had a lot to deal with lately and its big stuff in terms of where I’ll be come August. It’s no coincidence that the mileage on the bike has rapidly increased in the past two months! I vent and relax by two ways, by cycling because that means I don’t have to think about a problem or I write, where I get to distract myself and have some fun, or I tackle the issues. I’ve avoided a big issue for long enough so the latter I will do next week and will be in a blog about what big decisions I have to make in the next few months. Real big decisions which are weighing on my mind a lot, ironically once again history repeating itself as I was in this position around two years ago when decisions are made out of your hands which define which way you’ll go. So look out for that one next week.

However, tonight is more about distraction. I don’t want to get too depressed with how bleak the outlook to my other problem is. I was today going to write a blog about cycling and my love of it however I thought me discussing Lycra, shaved legs, mental strength, Strava data and puking at the top of a climb is probably not a fun blog after all (although I will do a cycling blog at some point!).

So I sat down and thought about a conversation I had in work before I went on Easter annual leave and I thought it would be fun to do this one instead. It follows on from previous blogs when the issue of relationships has come up (here we go again I hear you say!). Once again last week I had the same old “why are you single chat” someone who clearly hadn’t read my previous blog (https://thedayinthelifeoftonycliffe.wordpress.com/2016/01/24/an-honest-look-at-why-im-single/) and despite my explanations the good old you’re just too picky comment occurred again! By this point, it is about as funny as hearing Adele every time I walk past a radio. Which, is about as amusing as meeting an ex’s mother by saying “oh, is this your nan?” Yep…I did that once!

Seriously wanted the sky to swallow me up when that happened.

So anyway this person despite my protests kept saying I’m too picky and that I compare every girl to some perfect girl in my head. This couldn’t be further from the truth, so I’ve decided to indulge in their illusion of me comparing people to this mystical “perfect girl” that apparently I have in my head to compare to. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t have a type per se. I have favourable traits but I’ve been attracted to many different girls, so while out cycling the other day as the forecasted sunshine turned to gales and wind and nearly choking on a leaf that blew into my face, I gave this some thought, as if I was creating a real-life Sim, what would the perfect girl for me look like, act like and be like? Well, here it is. Please bear in mind this is very satire and not in any way serious! Although if you do so happen to match this description, please apply within!

Looks

Okay, so let’s start with looks. “Beauty is on the inside”. Nope, sorry, it’s on the outside too. I don’t want to wake up next to a troll every morning no matter how beautiful you may be on in the inside. I have to look at myself every day in the mirror, which is a shock within itself. Beauty and the beast I most certainly reside on the beast scale. I’d rather not wake up terrified by rolling over to look at you. You may fart rainbows and bring life to sick puppies, but if I’m not attracted to you, then it won’t work. Is that wrong to be honest? People on high horses may say so but let’s face it, we all do it. You do need a physical attraction to someone to make things work. The difference is my idea of beautiful looks may be different from yours. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all, but it’s definitely not a troll. Please see the attached picture of scary Icelandic trolls that my sister brought me back!

Hair colour

Okay so first and foremost let’s just get this not so secret, secret, out there, if you’re ginger you get extra points. Seriously I have a massive thing for ginger girls. It all stems from my first ever crush, which was Ariel, the little mermaid. Regardless of the fact she was a cartoon, nor the glaring omission of her having a tail and probably smelt of seaweed and fish, she was really hot. You may laugh, but she was the original definition of a babe. Granted she wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box, for Christ sake, it’s a fork, not a hairbrush. Even a hermit crab could work that out. Or when a creepy classic Disney villain asks you to sign a contract, you don’t. However, let me take this opportunity to say that why are clam bras not a fashion staple in this country? So you allow people to walk around in crocs, yet not hot women ginger fish women in clam bras? Where is the justice in that?

Still a babe!

Sorry, I digress. I’ve always had a thing for ginger girls, I’ll come onto eye colour (to which I have no real preference) but if you’re ginger and have blue eyes, I kind of melt inside. Despite my ever-present love for Taylor Swift and however much I would love to “Shake it off” with her, the one women I think is perfect in terms of looks, body type and I rate, shock horror, higher than T Swizzle is, in fact, Amy Adams. Ginger, blue eyes, curves in the right places ahh ginger blue combo is my Achilles heel. I’m yet to meet or know a ginger-haired girl who wasn’t a little crazy in some way. I’ll come onto personality etc. later but I may as well address an observation here. I’m a pretty reserved, predictable guy. I find comfort in order and knowing what to expect, and to an extent, I would like that in a girl too, it scares me if a person yo-yo’s too much. With that in mind, however, I love someone who is a little unhinged at the same time. I find that very enticing, mainly because I’m so straight, laced! It’s a sweet and sour combo. Every redhead I’ve ever known does give off the vibe of being a little crazy in some way, which only adds to the sex appeal. Gingers are relatively rare and so if I had to look back at my crushes both people I’ve known and celebrities, blonde is definitely up there. Taylor Swift, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, my last girlfriend, all blonde. There’s something homely about blonde chicks and those on the lighter end of the spectrum. So the perfect girl would have ginger hair, but I’d settle for blonde for example. Ha, who am I kidding I’d settle for anything with a pulse…kidding!

Eye colour

I’m not particularly fussed, it’s more about the depth of colour and what I would see in them. Eyes tell you everything you ever need to know about a person. You could be all smiles and laughs but if you’re in pain, if you’re sad, if you’re angry, if you’re happy your eyes will scream it. A lot of people don’t pay as much attention to people’s eyes as they probably should. Windows to the soul, so use them. But if this is an exercise of building up a picture of my perfect woman, we’ve already established she’d have red hair and her eyes would be blue. Blue just so happens to be my favourite colour too!

Body type – I’m not exactly the fittest guy in the world so as long as you’re not bigger than me (hard to beat), I don’t really care! Although I must confess, I’ve never been a fan of really skinny girls. All bones while cuddling, no thanks. I don’t want to date a CAFOD advert. Plus I eat a lot, so I’d just feel really bad if all you ate were carrot sticks. By all means, a girl who looks after herself is a good thing, I don’t want you dying early on me but the more crap you eat once in a while, the more attractive you become. Nothing sexier than a girl who loves burgers and steak over celery and low-fat insert never heard of vegetable smoothies. Have you ever smelt those things by the way? You shouldn’t be drinking something that smells and looks like something the incredible Hulk would flush down the loo. Just an average body type would be excellent, whatever that is. As long as you’re happy with your body then so will I. Never a fan of the girls who say “oooh I’m too fat or I’m too ugly”. Zip it. If you’re not happy, do something about it although 9 times out of 10 you’re absolutely perfect the way you are. People get too caught up in body image and type. Sure supermodels are good to look at but are they good for anything else like cuddles? Probably not. Plus, why even post that shit anyway? “You’re proppa fit babezz” … “Tar hunnies!” Eugh. Nearly throw up in my mouth every time.

Moving on, I can’t address body type without addressing the age-old question. Guys fall into the Boobs, Bum or Legs category and I’m firmly in the first category. Bum’s never really seen the appeal, I mean I appreciate a good bum, but I can take it or leave it. Despite cycling a lot, my arse is as flat as my saddle. From the back of my neck to my heel is a vertical drop, you could base jump of that shit all the way down, so as long as you’re packing more in the trunk than me, then I’m game. Plus I’ve never really seen the appeal of a bum because well…it’s a bum. Some guys go on about doing anal with a girl I mean dude, human evolution didn’t happen so that you could put your little dude in that hole. That and a graphic description from a friend is enough to make me feel queasy. Corn on the cob is all I’ll say on that one and I quote “imagine having sex inside a warm hula-hoop”. Never looked at beef and onion hula hoops the same way ever again. Now neither will you, enjoy!

A good set of pins is always welcome, however, and maybe because I’m a cyclist if you have well-defined calves, which stands out to me. Only because in a narcissistic manner, I do find myself admiring my own legs at times. It’s my only good feature, okay! Stop judging. All cyclists do it. Trust me I have little to work with here unless you like noses in the shape of a penis and hair the texture of an expensive carpet. So bums and legs are not a deal-breaker but boobs kinda’ are. Boobs are the best invention ever and clearly the pinnacle of human evolution. Yes, they’re just muscle and fat, but they’re boobs! 34C boobs are the perfect size. Most guys go for giant boobs but maybe because I have had loads of girl mates over the years that I just feel genuinely sorry for girls with huge boobs. That backache and having a forward centre of gravity must be a killer! I’d hate to have a sack of potatoes pulling me forward all day, every day, so despite appreciating them I can’t stop thinking about how sore you might be! Yet I don’t want them too small because if my moobs are bigger than yours, then that’s just embarrassing, not for you but for me! Pretty sure I’m rocking some sort of A cup.

Personality

So while looks are important, they probably only make up around 25% of the perfect girl or any girl for that matter. Personality is the big deciding factor. You may look like a goddess, but if your character resembles a brick, then that’s not much good. I always have and probably always will be attracted to really driven and ambitious women, which is both good and bad at the same time. The perfect girl would have something that gives her fire, direction and purpose. Be that to be successful in a job or passionate about some cause. I absolutely love it when someone has that motivation and drive to make it happen because I’m like that. The problem arises in relationships, and it happens all the time is when yours and her ambitions don’t align. Two driven people heading in different directions. So if the perfect girl could accommodate that then sweet. Following on from that, I absolutely love a girl who keeps me on my toes and knocks me down a few pegs. I love a good mental sparring and especially in the form of sarcasm. Banter and quick wit are so endearing. Again I’m like that so someone who can counter me is both a fun challenge and it’s a cute form of flirting. I think so, anyway.

As much as having no common sense is pretty cute in a girl sometimes because you just want to pat them on the head and wonder how they’ve survived this long, the perfect girl really does need intelligence. I’m really nerdy. I have Stephen Hawkins books and a guide about quantum mechanics on my shelf as my idea of ‘light reading’. I don’t expect you to have an A-Level in Quantum physics nor a PhD, but I do want a level of intelligence. I love talking about the complexities of nature or the vastness of space or global news events and what that means. My mind needs to be stimulated, and learning and I love a good debate. If a girl disagrees with me but puts up a great argument, man I love that! Comes back to that passion before and that grit and keeping me on my toes that I love.

The perfect girl would have some sort of creative or caring aspect to her personality. I’m never in relationships for the short term it’s always the long term. It takes me literally half a year to decide to go out with someone, so I want to make sure it will last. Caring and kindness are beautiful qualities, and the perfect girl would possess them in abundance. She would need to be family orientated too. I have a huge, crazy and very wonderful family and I’m a big family person so she would need to be the same also. We’d make good parents that way in the future! Adventurous side as in someone who wanted to travel or explore is really good to have too. I’m really not a nightclub or going out kind of person. My idea of a great night out is a pub quiz and bed by 10pm. I can’t be arsed with drunkenness or immaturity. The perfect girl would be someone who likes quiet restaurants, walks and strolls and more importantly cuddled up in front of a warm log fire watching movies or tv and chatting about crap.

I do tend to splash out on loved ones in the past, but I wouldn’t want a high maintenance girlfriend. One who can rock the cute expensive dresses but isn’t too obsessed by brands, price tags or looks. If you’re the kind of girl who wears a dress only once, then you ain’t for me. To me, who’s financially savvy, i.e. tighter than a ducks arse in water, I see that as an incredibly wasteful use of money.

Finally, the perfect girl would hold a pilot’s license, be a cyclist but not as good as me because I couldn’t hack that because I’m a shovenist pig, cook and bake, again shovenist but damn I love cake. If you can’t cook, I don’t mind because I can pretty well but if you make a Victoria Sponge then yeah you’re marriage material.

So wow, that was fun. Now I realise that this blog probably sounded like the worlds most complicated job advert. Now that is some lonely hearts advert right there. I’ve just realised that now that I’ve created this ‘perfect girl’ in my head will I now judge all non-existent females who are interested in me against this person? Have I now made a paradox? Oh no, what have I done!

Remember, this blog was a bit of fun, and the perfect girl does not exist for the umpteenth time! Unless you happen to be a ginger, blue-eyed, 34c, ambitious, driven, intelligent, witty, baker, cycling pilot. In which case, I would say apply within, but we all know my ability to flirt is on par with Andy Murray’s ability to smile. So for the last time, I do not place women against a perfect girl in my head. I am single for far more significant reasons, mainly a firm lack of interest from any female to actually compare to. So that was my sim life creation of the perfect girl. Ironically I do feel that whoever controls my love life is in effect has made a sim, put me in a swimming pool and has taken out the ladders. Swimming around an empty pool of life while the grim reaper sharpens his stabby thingy. At least I haven’t wet myself…yet.

Until next time.

Toe

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January 24, 2016

An honest look at why i’m single

A trip down honesty lane to discuss why I’m single and how I view the single life.

It’s no secret that I’ve been single for a while now and I’m mostly okay with that. There are a few aspects of relationships I do miss such as cute good morning kisses, being there for the little things, going and exploring new countries and places together but most of all knowing you have someone who loves you on another level and loves you for being you, including all of your flaws. Of course I have that support from close friends and family which I really do appreciate but it is different when it’s a relationship. Other than that I’m completely satisfied with single life despite the constant “I think you really need a girlfriend again Tony” remarks. So why have I been single for this long? Well after my last relationship it was no secret that I took that break up pretty hard and it was a long rebuild. So for quite a while I was emotionally unavailable and I threw myself into my academic career (which really has paid off so far!) and therefore I haven’t had time for one, nor been on the market per say. Other reasons? Well a distinct lack of interest from any woman on this earth has made that decision to stay single, not exactly a difficult one.

I’ve been accused lately by family, friends and even work colleagues that I’m “too picky” or I should just “go on dates” as if that’s the real reason I’m single. I can understand their concerns, to an extent. However to be picky implies I’m turning away women every day, however much I’d love that to be the case, It isn’t. I don’t know if people are being ironic or they genuinely believe I have an army of fan girls lining up behind me. Which is flattering if you do think so highly of me, it is a shame that is not the case! Being picky is something that I think all people who’ve been single for a long time do end up suffering with however. After a break up you think no one will compare with your ex, then over time you realise how many faults you turned a blind eye to and how many compromises you made. Once you’ve healed from the wounds you then search for something to fill the void, be that another person, a hobby or a career. Somewhere along that path of self-discovery (if you actually take the time to understand what went on and to learn from the positives and negatives and really move on that is) you become completely happy with who you are. You understand and accept your own flaws, you know your good and bad points, your limitations and most importantly you have an idea where you’re heading in life and how you want to get there. You arrive at the happy single stage, which I’m at and have been for quite a while. The problem with this however is, if you’re like me and you’re completely satisfied with your achievements both personal and professional, if you have a small but strong nucleus of people around you who support and love you (both family and friends) then it makes it incredibly difficult for a girl to come along and enhance your life more than it is already. Some say that relationships are about making you a better person, or making you feel complete. If you feel you’re as good as you can be right now or extremely satisfied with your progress in your life, that’s some tough act to beat.

I used to be blinded by love in the sense of I was a hopeless romantic and thought I always needed a girl to bring out the best version of me. Yet I’ve progressed so much in these three years being single, both personally and professionally, on my own, that it’s hard for someone like me who is now sceptical of love to see any real benefits of it when I’m doing better than I ever have alone. I’m also tentative to enter into a new relationships because I enjoy the freedom of the single life. I can do what I want and how I want it without checking if it’s okay with another person.

However behind the very proud persona of which I do have when I look back at all of my achievements being single, all of the above is a factor to being single but it is very much a smoke screen and an easy excuse for me to pull out. One of the main reasons which underpins why I’m single despite the lack of interest, despite a real sense of fulfilment being single, all of that stems from me being completely and utterly terrified of entering another relationship and that’s not easy to admit. For the first time in years a girl actually showed a hint of interest in me last summer. At first I thought it was a joke (which actually shows you how bad my love life has become when a girl is into you and you think its part of some elaborate joke) and then I got to know her and found her very interesting. Completely different to what I expected and I was surprised, intrigued and for the first time in a long time after many nights texting till 3 a.m, had my brain started to work out if we’d suit together.

I analyse everything in this life, seriously my brain runs a trillion calculations constantly to run various scenarios. I deal with data and look for patterns and outcomes as my day job so this analysis is ever more present than when it comes to relationships. I do that because I’ve been burnt too many times now that if I’m going to invest my love in a girl (to which I give my entire heart to those I chose to enter into a relationship with) I want to know it will pay off, or at least have the highest chance to. I want to make sure that it won’t be for nothing. Looking back at my last relationship despite making some mistakes I genuinely don’t think I could have been a better boyfriend if a tried and when you genuinely believe someone is the one and you give your all to one person, to have it end abruptly and out of the blue is almost like busting a gut in a marathon to find out after running 25 miles the race is cancelled. All that effort for what? I was cautious before that about investing in love but now I’m even more so.

After being single for so long I find it easier to hide behind someone not hitting all of the tick boxes in my head because I’m utterly terrified to get lost in love again and when it crashes and burns to feel the way I felt after my last breakup. Despite people thinking I’m picky because someone doesn’t compare to the perfect girl in my head is a completely false illusion. The biggest thing they fail against is my fear of sharing my life with someone on that level again to be fucked over. I analyse things in life because I like knowing outcomes, percentages, risk and reward. It took me a whole six months to run things in my head before I got with my ex, I want to make sure it was the right decision, the right girl. Yet the agonising beauty of love is making that unknown step, to jump and see if you fly or if you fall. It’s that last percentage missing, the final missing piece of the puzzle which is gut instinct and well, hope. So if I use the example of the girl in the summer for which I won’t name but she did exist! Although she didn’t tick all of the boxes she ticked quite a lot and it was more than enough for me to give it a go despite being different, despite it probably not working out I could have at least tried. Instead it was all too easy to say I don’t think this would work and approach it with a very compartmentalised manner. Why? Truth was I was terrified. I am terrified. So I killed it off before it ever could have got off the ground. I’m yet to meet someone I’m comfortable in making that leap of faith with, to reassure to the best of their knowledge that it would work.

So one of the main reasons I’m single is because i’m scared. It’s all too easy to push something promising away than give it a go. Other reasons well, I have a very strong personality, some people like it and my views and what I stand for, others think I’m a monumental cock. Either way, the persona I have is confidence, resilience and someone who is happy in their own skin, all of which is true. Yet behind all of that is still that young kid who believed in love and somehow got lost along the way. Despite being cynical about love I do still hold onto the notion of pure love. I have experienced it before and that was a long time ago, way before Stacey, way back when Freddo’s were 10p, summer days were actually summer days, dial-up and Panda pops existed. Does it bother me being single? No, not really because of all of the achievements and close relationships I have with friends and family which are very rewarding. Does it bother me that I’m yet to have successful and lasting relationship? Yes. Some would say I’m a successful person. I’ve achieved many many things in this life and usually when I set myself a dream or a goal then I will get it through hard work and a bit of luck. Does it nag me that despite being relatively successful in many things that love isn’t one of them? Hell yes it does. It’s always that tiny little piece of the puzzle missing, seemingly always just out of reach. That begins to affect you in a confidence way too. I’m a naturally very self-confident guy, I have a big ego, a big personality that is very complex which some find attractive. I’m very easy going and approachable and I’m the loyalist guy you’d ever meet but I’m wise enough to know I’m not the most handsome guy in the world and looks are never going to be a strong thing for me. I have hair the texture of a sponge/rug, my nose resembles a gentlemen’s appendage, I’m certainly not beach ready body and well in all honesty, I’m quite a boring person. All you have to do is look through my Facebook feed to see how much enjoyment I get from moaning about merseyrail, updating the weather or cycling. I’m too self-confident for that to bother me, I accept my looks and how I probably come across as boring because that’s me. I’d rather have the public persona very similar to the real me than one that isn’t. Too much effort to be false!

Yet that still doesn’t make you feel a little gutted when hardly any girl takes an interest in you. For example I spent an hour on tinder swiping right for fun, not one match. That’s so tragic, its funny. Or when you look at some people in relationships and you think what the hell? What am I doing wrong?

So I’m in the place now where I’m incredibly comfortable with single life, yet I’m in that stable part of my life now and time is ticking on, especially when you notice going to another family party without a girlfriend again and pretty much everyone you know is in a relationship, getting married, having kids and you’re here dunking malted milk biscuits into Nutella, covered in crumbs wondering why you’re not a prized catch. It is time to look outwards and try to embrace the idea of being in a relationship, even if it is a tentative peak. Yet I’m held back by the terrifying thought of putting myself on the market again and certainly the terrifying thought of someone coming along who I really like, for me to decide to go for it, have a relationship, give it my all again for it to end…again.

So I kind of hope this year bring a relationship but I don’t want that over the current success I’m having in my career. I’ll take a career over a relationship right now unless someone changes that. I’m not picky, I’m just scared but if Tinder is anything to go by I’ll be waiting a long time before I need to be scared about a relationship!

Hope you enjoyed reading and if you’re a single and feel the same as me, don’t worry you’re not alone! Just remember the law of averages and chance means someone will come along eventually…I think 😉

Until next time!

Toe

2 Comments

December 27, 2015

So Tony, what motivates you to write?

Answering the question of why I blog – An honest delve into the emotions that motivate me to write.

Recently someone messaged me who wanted to get into blogging and asked me what motivates me to write. I sat back and tried to think of a short answer but in truth there really wasn’t one. I write for many reasons, topics vary wildly, tone and style do too, it all depends on the subject of the blog in question at the time. I blog things because it helps me relax and get a lot of emotion out and I think that helps with my writing. I find writing a very relaxing and empowering thing to do. It’s also a scary thing to do putting your work and your opinions out there for all to see. I have a big old creative brain and I’ve always had that ever since I was child, I listen to way too many movie themes and I dream up loads of scenarios in my head or replay things that have happened. I have a photographic memory so I can still taste, feel, smell and see in perfect detail all of my memories and feel all of the emotions. Example if you asked me about one of the many times I broke my leg a sharp pain makes me wince as it shoots up in shin bone. I can still taste the garlic of the anaesthetic and the feel of it running through my body when I had my operation to remove my tumour from my shin. Eugh shudders. I find the process of describing all that imagery and feelings onto paper so you can see and feel what I feel, a challenge. When you really enjoy it or you get many positive comments or views from a blog it feels very rewarding.

I very rarely go to people for advice, I often find a session on the bike to clear my head or a logical sit down with myself to thrash out all the scenario’s always solves most things. You know it works well because when you all come to me with your problems, you know how stoic and logical and rational I am when I offer you advice. I differ no differently with myself. The only difference is (not to blow my own trumpet) I offer you lot good, sound advice, but never any good advice to myself. It does actually make me laugh at how emotion informs my writing yet very rarely my decisions! (Note to self I am trying to be less of a robot!).

Luckily due to my stoic personality which is a big plus point for many things, one thing is that my emotions very rarely differ from the centre.I’m never too happy nor too sad. I like it that way because despite my exterior and Facebook status being mundane and enjoying the simple things in life, behind that persona is a very passionate person. Yes I know you have just spat your drink out at the sentence but it is true! I have a brilliant control over my emotions which I feel is one thing I am known for. However boring that sounds or comes across in real life, i find it good because I know myself inside and out. It’s a known quantity. I analyse everything like a super computer and that’s got me very far in life. Knowing your emotional state and having a firm grasp on your emotions is a skill set I’ve homed over the years. Emotions can cloud your judgement when logic and reason offer a much clearer view. Trust me it takes a lot of control when you loved your best friend for many years, to keep that hidden and offer objective relationship advice when she asked, despite it always being detrimental to myself. I had many years to compartmentalise things growing up! However the only times I do differ from the centre is when I’m in love or so angry that when I killed you off in my latest novel, I really wish it was real…I’m just kidding…or am i? 😉

If you’ve ever been loved by me or you’ve been on the end of my quite fierce anger (I am a typical Taurus, it takes an awful lot to get me angry but you really don’t want to wake the bull by pushing too far!), you’ll see how deep my emotions run. If you’re one of the lucky few that I’ve ever loved, you’ll see how that usual boring Tony is actually a little crazy and that I would do absolutely anything for you. I’m quite a selfish person, let’s be honest. I like doing a lot of things for myself yet when I love you, it’s all about you and only you. That passion is important for the bedroom too. I can’t lay claim to sleeping with many women but I never got any complaints. One thing many guys forget is it’s a two way street and the more you devote to your partner in the bedroom the more rewards you receive. Yes, yes I know that’s not a statistically viable sample size of one…

That’s one reason I’m actually scared to get into a new relationship because when I’m in love I can’t control that emotion. I literally love you with all of my heart and there is no controlling or keeping a lid on that. That’s why I take ages to make sure you’re the one before I commit because I want to know my effort and giving you my heart won’t be wasted. I am terrified to be hurt again and that sadly is the truth…

What I’m trying to say here is before I do go on a tangent about being single and before I go into too much detail about my antics in the bedroom, for which I actually have some very romantic, passionate stories if I were to recall them and well some quite frankly horrendous stories worthy of a comedy film not a porno too. I mean the night I lost my virginity is a blog in itself which will never see the light of day because I don’t think I can see passed the tears of laughter at how embarrassing it was. I can still see those eyes of disappointment from her. Emotions certainly ran high that night but passion was replaced by shear nerves ha-ha. Oh dear lord. Move on Tony!

What I’m trying to say is when I write, despite being in the centre of the feelings scale, I tap into those vibrant emotions that run deep and that helps in my writing and informs it. When I can’t go out on a ride blogs become that release valve. It’s no surprise that my most viewed blog posts have been about relationships or love or in the case of the Merseyrail blog post that has been viewed 34,000 times in 94 different countries, anger! Well sarcasm too! They’re some of my favourite blogs to reread because it really is all my emotion put into them. Often people say they read my blogs, those emotionally driven blogs anyway in my voice which I do find funny. Oddly they’re always my best written pieces too!

Although emotions help me to write I’m not always driven by the blogs of anger or most of the time love and emotions. I also blog when I feel information is worth reading about, such as my latest trip to Ireland. More so the plight of rural Ireland and my feelings of witnessing modern day life slowly creeping into part of the world it was yet to lay its greasy fingers on but also showing you the beauty and kindness of the people I met there. I always enjoy giving you glimpses into my life. Those blogs about friends and family are very personal to me so I love sharing them with you all. More often than not however it’s because something has happened in my life that needs to be shared and it’s often hilarious and at my expense! Those who follow me on Facebook and Twitter will see the absolutely crazy things that happen to me on my way to work or just in general life. I mean if I have to suffer all of that randomness I’m sure as hell gonna’ share it all! Ah I’m still laughing and cringing at the same time at some of the stuff that’s happened over the years.

I also blog as a way of a public diary. I often read back blogs to remember things but more so to look back and reflect on things and I can see exactly my thought processes and emotions at that time. It’s effectively a photograph of words, capturing a moment in time. I don’t know if you find it fascinating but I certainly do. I do hope you do enjoy the highs on lows of my life and what it’s like to be inside of my brain and see the world through my eyes! Someone the other day said “I know that bit in your blog was aimed at me” and they’re correct. Some people appreciate that, other throw a hissy fit and ask for it to be taken down. Truth hurts sadly sometimes! Some blogs within all the emotion and creative writing have a purpose. Subtle or in some cases not so subtle hints to people. They’ll either be hidden messages, unspoken apologies, and the ever so subtle as a sledge hammer fuck you bitch. Or just simply me playing things out in my head of what I wish would happen without ever alluding it to you in person due to many reasons. Blogs are complex and fun just like everyone’s life is. The beauty about those types of blogs are they may be directed at someone but they could really be anyone but if the shoe fits, lace that bitch up and wear it!

I make a lot of mistakes in life and I learn a lot of lessons from them. I certainly have been in many situations to blog about! When you’re so completely sure of yourself you don’t mind being 100% honest in your blogs. Sure I do take a risk to be so open with the things I do say on my blogs but that’s me. What you see is exactly what you get. So when I’m going through a terrible patch I don’t mind telling you all when I’m defeated, angry or depressed because when I’m at my best I like to share the good times too. Above all of that I know there are many people who have different personas in real life and social media. I’ve gotten to know many people over the years and broken down many walls and seen the real person behind all the walls that some people will never see of that person. They’re scared to let those walls down. What you read on my blogs is pretty much me in person.

So to answer the question why do I blog? One main reason is those mistakes I make, those things that I see happening, those things that need to be said, those lessons I’ve learnt. They’re all situations, lessons, feelings you may be facing and I’m just a normal guy trying to write down how I bumble through this life. If my advice or my situation aligns to yours and you can take something away from it, even If it’s just a laugh, good. If you went through a breakup and felt as bad as I did and feel lost. Brill, you’re not alone, you’ll get through it like I did. If you’re on a train while a psycho dressed a turkey eyes you up on the train, you’ll be fine because you’ve seen me deal with it! If you’ve been inspired to visit the places I’ve visited because you’ve read my blogs of that place, even better! If my blogs about family and friends has made you pause for a second to appreciate your own then awesome. If you’re a hopeless single 23 year old who has no clue after being single for a few years, while everyone you know is getting married, having kids, buying houses, have their life planned out and you’re just well me. I hope you don’t feel alone. I hope these blogs bring you comfort, education and most importantly I really do hope they make you laugh!

So to answer the question of why I blog. It’s because of you my readers and it’s also for my own sanity. Always blog from the heart! They say the best writers write about what they know. I know my own life and how utterly clueless I am in this big world! So always write from the heart because the heart never lies.

Until next time!

Toe.

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Answering the question of why I blog – An honest delve into the emotions that motivate me to write.